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Thursday, August 10, 2017

Greetings Laff Lovers,

Lewis and I were talking about terrorism, which eventually degenerated into a discussion about religion.

"I've read the Quran and it seems to me that terrorism is not a fundamental Islamic ideology," Lewis was saying. "That is not the definition of 'jihad' as far as I can tell. I don't think the God of Muhammad, or the God of Abraham or Jesus for that matter, wants innocent men, women and children killed in his name."

"Well, those are all the same God because there is only one God," I told him. "The people just differ on the details. If one of them IS the right religion, at least the followers of the other two will be pretty familiar with what's going on when they get to the afterlife."

"Yeah, It would suck if you died and found out you were WAY off," Lewis agreed.

"I'd be feeling pretty stupid if I got to the pearly gates and found myself asking, 'Why does St. Peter have six arms?'"



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If God were a vehicle, what kind of vehicle would he be?

An ice cream truck, because he brings joy to those who discover Him, but people who follow Him too closely are usually paedophiles.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to allow them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.

He said, "What are you doing father?"

"It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."

"Why father?" he asked.

"Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.

Jessica wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Little Joe was sitting next to Jessica and decided to poke her with a sharp pencil to wake her up.

Jessica jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?"

Joe poked Jessica again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again.

Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Jessica again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and shove it up your ass!"

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