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Classic Laff-a-Day - March 25, 2010 ------------------------------------------------------------ Greetings Laff Lovers, My wife was out with our oldest daughter and the other two kids were in their pajamas. "You two stay here, I'll be back in a half an hour. I want to go to Home Depot." The older girl was incredulous. "You want us to stay all by ourselves? Isn't that, like, illegal?" "You're 11!" I said. "By the time I was 11 I was working in the slaughter house pulling the guts out of the cows, sheep and chickens that were headed for the rich people's tables. Of course, we were so poor I had to give all my money to support..." "No you weren't!" she cut me off, "Grandma told us you had plenty..." "Shutup, kid. If it wasn't for the hole in my pocket I wouldn't have had anything to play with. I always wanted one of those official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock..." "No you didn't! That was Ralphie!" "Oh, well, I'm going," I said. "Don't answer the door if an escaped mental patient knocks on the door. Tell him I'm taking a dump and he'll have to wait until I'm finished." Confusedly, TZ "A man in the UK was banned from a public park after he tried to have sex with a tree. I don't know about you, but I think Al Gore has finally gone too far." -Jimmy Fallon Two friends were out walking home from the bar one night. "Shit," said the first guy, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's nylons off!" "What's the rush?" his friend asked. "The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the first guy replied. You might never climb Mt. Everest, but you'll love these Ladies Sherpa Gloves. Knitted with full insulated lining. "Natives on the Pacific island of Vanuatu recently apologized to the great-great-grandson of a missionary who their ancestors ate 170 years ago. Witnesses describe the conversation as 'awkward.'" -Conan O'Brien The detective was leafing through the suspect's cime history folder. "Hmmm, quite a record." he said. "Shoplifting, hit- and-run, disorderly conduct, armed Robbery, sexual assault, rape, man-slaughter..." "Yeah, I know." said the prisoner. "It took me quite a while to figure out what I was good at." As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked "Registration" and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked. "It's quite simple," said the receptionist. "This is a nudist camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature." "Cool," said the guy, "count me in!" So he paid his member- ship fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry, you've had two warnings!" P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the new Classic Laffaday forum. Check it out here... ************************************************************ YOUR VIDEO SNACK BAR Top Viewed Videos... 1. I Could Get Used To This 2. Alfred Hitchcock Montage 3. Charlie Sheen - Two and a Half Men 4. Funny Office Prank 5. Who Knew? Amazing Elephants 6. Grizzle Bears In Alaska

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