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Classic Laff-a-Day - January 17, 2010 ------------------------------------------------------------ Greetings Laff Lovers, When my kids were little I couldn't wait for them to get older. They were in such constant need of attention I fantasized about the day when they would be independent enough to leave me the hell alone for five minutes. The optimism of inexperience. When they were little they were easy to take care of. If I wanted to keep track of any of them I just locked them in the car seat or the high chair. I always knew where they were. I could carry them wherever I wanted to go. Now they're all over the place. I don't know why I thought they would be more independent, because they are constantly at my elbow, asking for money, asking for rides, asking for new clothes, asking for toys, asking for help with their homework! I was complaining about this to the wife who cautioned me that when they do finally start to become really independent, driving, spending all day at school and sports and eventually going college, that I am going to suffer from empty nest syndrome. "No problem," I answered, "I'll just get a dog and a mistress." Problem-solvingly, TZ ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children. EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. PRIG - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married. EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get." INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is. NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown. SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love. NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more from her life with him than just intercourse. "Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone." --Dave Letterman "I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie." --Sting It's Time To Throw That Tupperware Away Years of smoking finally caught up with my friend John one morning when he keeled over at work, clutching his heart. He was rushed to a hospital and peppered with questions. "Do you smoke?" asked a paramedic. "No," John whispered. "I quit." "That"s good. When did you quit?" "Around 9:30 this morning." "It's been reported that a woman is now trying to sell a sex tape she made with Tiger Woods. The sex tape will be available soon at adult bookstores in the Tiger Woods' section." -Conan O'Brien HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET ELEMENT: Women SYMBOL: Wo DISCOVERER: Adam ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: 1. Surface usually covered in painted film 2. Boils at nothing; freezes w/o known reason 3. Melts if given special treatment 4. Bitter if incorrectly used 5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore 6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: 1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones 2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances 3. May explode spontaneously w/o prior warning and for no apparent reason 4. Insoluble in liquids, but libido increases greatly when saturated with alcohol 5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the new Classic Laffaday forum. Check it out here... ************************************************************ YOUR VIDEO SNACK BAR Top Viewed Videos... 1. Women in Film 2. A Cat with A Drinking Problem? 3. Who Knew? Amazing Elephants 4. Alfred Hitchcock Montage 5. I Could Get Used To This 6. Bob Ross

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