Classic Laff-a-Day - August 25, 2010
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com
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Greetings Laff Lovers,
I saw JA with something in his hand, and when I asked what
it was he said, "A book."
He then went on to tell me how great it was and how I would be
a better human for reading it. So I read it, and I must say,
JA was on track this time because I found myself wanting to
implement some of my new-found knowledge. Unfortunately for
my kids this knowledge includes them going to summer school.
When I explained to my children the studies from this book that
clearly illustrates why certain people have more fulfilling
lives than others (nothing to do with economic class) they
got that deer in the headlights look. I don't know why, but
after the words 'summer school' their mouths dropped open and
drool began running down their chins.
My 13-year-old daughter was the first to recover. "Let me get
this straight: you read a book and now we have to go to summer
school?"
"Yes," I replied. "What's the use of reading if it doesn't
change you? Make you act differently...better?"
"That's not fair! How about some people shouldn't read? Or
better yet, read Salem's Lot and go out vampire hunting. But
leave the nonfiction to people who know how to use it. You're
gonna hurt yourself with it."
"Yeah, well, I know Licoln was wrong, the South had the right
to secceed but the North won the war anyway...Oh, and I also
know you're all going to summer school."
Check out Malcomn Gladwell. He's not too much of a fucking idiot.
Leg-uppingly,
TZ
mailto:tz@gophercentral.com
"Miss California, Carrie Prejean, blames the wind for blowing
her shirt open and unscrupulous photographers for releasing
topless shots of her. Here's an idea: If you don't want
photographers releasing naked pictures of you, don't stand
in front of a camera with your clothes off." -Jimmy Kimmel
When my wife came home Sunday afternoon she found the kitchen
and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the
washer and me on the couch having done nothing but drink beer
and watch football all day. She yelled, "If you keep up this
lazy attitude, mister, you're going to make me do something
I don't want to do!"
"Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob
out of this."
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Bored of the same old two-party system? Check out these
actual political parties that exist or existed.
THE RHINOCEROS PARTY - This Canadian Party existed with a
very unusual platform. It included: repealing the law of
gravity, paving the province of Manitoba to create the
world's largest parking lot, providing higher education by
building taller schools, instituting English, French and
illiteracy as Canada's three official languages, making
bubble gum the national currency, putting the national debt
on Visa, counting the Thousand Islands to make sure none
were missing, and banning lousy Canadian winters.
BEER LOVERS PARTY - This post-Soviet assembly was founded in
1993 in the state of Belarus. Among its major goals was the
push for the cleanness and quality of the national brew. Its
logo was a cartoon of a drunken hedgehog. The party was
liquidated in 1998.
THE ABSOLUTELY ABSURD PARTY is another Canadian joke party
which advocates the following: Lowering the voting age to 14
(Because, after all, when was the last time a 14-year-old
started a war?), changing the rules in federal elections so
that the candidate in last place becomes the elected official,
raffling off Senate seats as a fundraising mechanism, and
replacing the Department of Defense with a crack elite squad
of Rock/Paper/Scissors commandos.
THE UNION OF CONSCIENTIOUSLY WORK-SHY ELEMENTS was an
unusually successful frivolous political party founded by
comedian Jacob Haugaard in Denmark in 1979. Haugaard
eventually won a seat in the Danish Parliament by making the
following campaign promises: Tail winds on all bicycle paths,
better weather, better Christmas presents, more pieces of
Renaissance furniture in Ikea, Nutella in Army field rations,
more bread for ducks in the park, and free beer and sausages,
funded by his state party funding, served to his voters in
the public park in Aarhus after each election. (The last
three were actually fulfilled during his term in office.)
THE HUNGARIAN DOUBLE-TAILED DOG PARTY is a joke political
party that was founded in 2004. All of the candidates are
named Istvan Nagy, two very common first and last names in
Hungary. While not an officially registered party, it never-
theless made the following promises in the 2006 elections:
Eternal life, world peace, one-day work weeks, two sunsets
a day, smaller gravitation, free beer and low taxes.
THE McGILLICUDDY SERIOUS PARTY is a joke party in New Zealand
that promotes the following: Replacing the Royal New Zealand
Armoured Corps with mounted knights, replacing money with
chocolate fish as legal tender, using beer as a national
defense strategy by leaving many bottles on all beaches so
any invading army would abandon its attack and get drunk
instead, restricting the vote to only those under 18 (with
actual campaign ads run during children's programming),
votes for trees (as New Zealanders have a reputation as en-
vironmentalists), air bags for the New Zealand Stock Exchange
(in case of a crash), good weather (but only if the voters
behave), job creation by carpeting the nations highways, and
the sending-out of intelligence agents around the world to
wipe New Zealand off published maps so no one could invade
the country.
THE DONALD DUCK PARTY is a Swedish joke political party that
received write-in votes before it even existed. Capitalizing
on its popularity, one man, Bosse Person, registered it. He
is its only member. In 1991, the party received 1,535 write
in votes by promoting a platform which advocated free liquor
and wider sidewalks.
THE HAPPENING HAPPY HIPPY PARTY was a spoof political party
that was really more a Web site and "e-zine" that ran in the
late '90's and early '00's. It promoted easing the burden on
Britain's National Health Service by making accidents illegal
and improving Britain's climate by towing the island 200
miles south.
THE MARIJUANA PARTY actually exists and is a current US
political party that runs candidates who - you guessed it -
work tirelessly toward the legalization of marijuana!
THE YOUTH INTERNATIONAL PARTY was a highly theatrical and
anti-authoritarian political party that existed in the US in
the 60's. Its members were called "Yippies." Better known for
street theatre and politically themed pranks that mocked the
status quo (such as running a pig as its candidate in the
1968 Election and throwing money out to the crowd at the New
York Stock Exchange), this socialist countercultural
organization was amusingly dubbed the "Groucho Marxists."
P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Classic Laffaday forum. Check it out here...
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com
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