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Nov. 20, 2009
WOMAN'S SIZE IS NO DETERRENT IN HER SEARCH FOR LASTING LOVE
DEAR ABBY: I'm 32 and a "large girl." I am also intelligent,
witty and fun to be around. I make friends wherever I go. The
problem is my mother -- who is also big -- keeps telling me
that heavy women are not desirable and we must "settle" when
it comes to choosing a mate.
My mother has had two long, unhappy marriages. She's always
saying I think too highly of myself and my standards for men
are out of my reach.
Abby, I would rather remain single than marry someone I'm not
happy with just to have a man. I'm not looking for a movie
star; I just want to find someone I'm attracted to and who
has the same values and ideals that I have.
Is Mother right? Am I setting my sights too high?
-- HAPPY BEING ME IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR HAPPY BEING YOU: I don't think so. If you want to
achieve the same level of satisfaction in your life that
your mother has, then follow her roadmap. However, if you
want more, then cross your fingers and keep looking.
Meeting "The One" is a matter of putting yourself out there,
and luck and timing. There are worse things than being alone,
and having two long and unhappy marriages ranks right up
there. Just look at your mother.
DEAR ABBY: A year ago, my boss was diagnosed with cancer.
She had major surgery and a round of radiation therapy. Last
week, her doctor discovered a mass, and after biopsy, she
may be going in for more surgery.
I am finding it difficult to show much empathy for my boss.
Despite having had the disease she continues to live an un-
healthy lifestyle. She still smokes, has a couple of drinks
a day and eats a lot of red meat. I don't drink or smoke and
I'm a vegetarian, so I can't understand why a person would
risk her health by doing these things.
We have received several newsletters at work from our insur-
ance provider on how to prevent cancer, but she hasn't taken
any of the advice. Abby, it's not like I have come right out
and said, "It's your own fault," but it's frustrating to
listen to her problems when she won't try to live a healthy
lifestyle. She's generally whiny to begin with, and now she
seems to want everyone to feel sorry for her.
What do I need to do to be more sympathetic?
-- TRYING IN TEMPE
DEAR TRYING: You don't know what caused your boss's cancer
and neither do I. Some people who live a healthy lifestyle
get cancer anyway -- and that includes teetotalling, non-
smoking vegetarians. Please try to remember that -- and then
think about karma. If you do, it may help you become more
sympathetic and less judgmental.
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DEAR ABBY: I was with a group of friends at a sports bar
discussing the baseball playoffs when the owner of the bar
made a racist comment about the game. I was so shocked and
offended that I said nothing for the rest of the evening.
Later, I told my friends I was disappointed in myself for
not speaking up -- that when someone makes a comment like he
did and you let it go, you're condoning that type of be-
havior. My friends said they just "considered the source"
and I should not have been offended. How should we have
handled this?
-- SECOND THOUGHTS IN FLORIDA
DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: If the comment was offensive, you
were right to be offended -- regardless of "the source."
The way to punish an ignorant bigot such as you described
would be to hit him in the wallet. A way to have done that
would have been for all of you to leave and tell him why.
And another would be for all of you to spread the word about
the incident.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most
frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-
sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for
$6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box
447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the
price.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write Dear Abby at
T="_new" class="abbylink">www.DearAbby.com
or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.