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Jan. 28, 2009

WOMAN DOUBTS HER ABILITY TO HELP LONGTIME FRIEND

DEAR ABBY: I am in my early 40s, and married with two daugh-
ters. I have a friend, "Sally," whom I have known since the
third grade. We are like sisters.

Sally has been profoundly depressed for at least 15 years.
She sees a therapist and a psychiatrist on a regular basis
and is on medication.

My question, Abby, is what do you say to someone who calls
at least once a week, for at least an hour, crying so hard
I can barely understand her? She calls to tell me how sad
she is and how she doesn't think anything in her life will
improve. While I'm concerned for her and care about what
happens to her, I don't feel I can give her any advice or
guidance that her counselor/psychiatrist isn't able to give.

Short of listening and providing the proverbial shoulder to
lean on, what more can I do? I feel I need to be there for
her, but I also feel drained dry because this has been going
on for several years. Any guidance you might offer would be
greatly appreciated.
-- CONCERNED FRIEND IN FLORIDA

DEAR CONCERNED: You are a supportive friend, but when Sally
calls crying so hard she can hardly talk, tell her that the
person she needs to be talking to is her therapist. By
allowing her to vent to you, you are preventing the therapist
from evaluating her while she's in crisis and giving her the
tools she needs to improve. Your friend may need to have her
meds adjusted or changed, and seeing Sally while she is "at
the bottom" could give her therapist valuable insights. If
Sally isn't capable of placing the call to her therapist,
offer to do it for her.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl in eighth grade. I have
plenty of friends, play the clarinet and piano, and am in-
volved in school yearbook and theater, among other things.
My problem is, I get sick a lot.

No one can figure out why I can't go two weeks without
picking up a virus. Because of this I am gone from school
quite often. I can handle the occasional teasing I get from
other kids, and my teachers are helpful. It's the two school
secretaries I have a problem with.

Once, when I left school during the day because I wasn't
feeling well, one of them said to me: "You need to try to
be at school more. I know it's hard, but you've got to try."
Other things they have said lead me to believe they think
I'm faking. Now they want a note from every doctor I see. I
was gone a lot last year, but they didn't enforce this.

What is appropriate in responding to their "comments"? I'd
like to ask, "Is that your opinion as a secretary?" or say,
"I'm doing the best I can with my situation and you're not
helping." Or, I could bore them with a detailed description
of my medical history, or maybe complain to the principal.
What do you suggest?
-- SICK OF IT IN IOWA

DEAR SICK OF IT: Your medical history is not the school
secretaries' business, and you do not owe them any detailed
descriptions of it. However, it's possible that the woman
who advised you that you "needed to be at school more" was
speaking out of concern, so try not to be defensive.

If a note from your doctor is required, you should produce
one after every absence. And I recommend that you have your
mother contact the principal if there are any questions
about your medical status.



What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting
along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should
Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed
envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to:
Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL
61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write Dear Abby at
T="_new" class="abbylink">www.DearAbby.com
or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.