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Oct. 23, 2009
WIFE WHO SLIMMED DOWN IS PUMPING UP HER SOCIAL LIFE
DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Laura," and I have been married 15
years. She recently had gastric bypass surgery and has lost
80 pounds so far.
The last time Laura was slim (about seven years ago), she had
an affair with a co-worker and we nearly divorced. With her
current weight loss, she is now going out with friends from
work one night a week. This means that after all the activi-
ties we have scheduled for our kids, there is no night for
us. I have had two weekends off in the last six weeks. During
both of them Laura went to Las Vegas with her friends.
I'm pleased that my wife is happy with her looks, and I don't
want to appear insecure, but I can't help but feel it's "deja
vu all over again." When I ask where she's going, who she's
going with and why now, she gets angry and says she won't put
up with my "insecurities." We went to counseling after the
affair, but Laura lied and denied she'd had one. I would
really appreciate some advice.
-- YO-YO HUSBAND IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR YO-YO HUSBAND: Your wife may think it's an invasion of
her privacy to be asked where she's going, when she'll be
back and who she's spending her time with -- but that's the
kind of accountability people sign up for when they have a
spouse and children. Your insecurity is understandable in
light of her past infidelity.
The fact that she'd rather go to Las Vegas for the weekend
than spend some alone time with you sends a strong message.
I think you already know your marriage is in trouble, so
offer your wife the option of marriage counseling. If she
refuses -- which wouldn't surprise me -- go without her. A
licensed therapist will help you understand the dynamics of
what's going on and help you reach some important conclusions
about your future.
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DEAR ABBY: It's apparent that the art of saying "thank you"
has gone by the wayside. I'm a widow with limited funds who
likes to surprise relatives with nice gifts on special occa-
sions. I sent a food gift to one of them as a housewarming
present. Her mother wrote and thanked me, but added that it
gave her a stomachache and she was sick for three days!
I shopped carefully for a niece who was starting kindergar-
ten. I selected a sweet "girly" backpack in her favorite
color with butterflies and a smattering of sparkles. Her mom
responded that I should have bought a bigger one with a
metal frame so she could also use it for family outings,
the beach, the zoo, etc. -- as if I knew which ones she
liked THIS week.
I sent a classic silk blouse to a young woman who was start-
ing her first office job. Her mother told me she would have
preferred something more "youthful."
What is wrong with just saying "thank you"?
-- IRRITATED AUNT IN MIAMI
DEAR IRRITATED AUNT: Nothing is wrong with it; in fact,
"thank you" is the appropriate and gracious response. But
what these mothers are really telling you is that they never
taught their daughters one of the important social graces
-- how to send a prompt and courteous acknowledgment for any
gift they receive. They're also telling you that in the fu-
ture, you should save your money.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a
business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money
order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet,
P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is
included in the price.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write Dear Abby at
T="_new" class="abbylink">www.DearAbby.com
or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.