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Feb. 3, 2009
WIFE WANTS TO LEAVE HUSBAND BUT REMAIN PART OF HIS FAMILY
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Harry," and I had a good marriage
for 25 years, but we have grown apart and have agreed to
divorce when our child finishes college. We just don't have
a lot in common anymore. Harry is on the road a lot, and I
have my own business.
My problem is I have fallen in love with Harry's cousin
"Cyrus." We met 25 years ago at my sister-in-law's house
and were instantly attracted. My mother-in-law reintroduced
us five years ago so we could put together a business deal,
and we became close. Cyrus is successful, and he's generous
to me and my child. I have been secretly in love with him
all these years, and now he has fallen in love with me, too.
Because I plan to leave Harry does not mean I want to leave
his family. I have a wonderful mother-in-law and great
sisters-in-law, and I love being a part of their family. I
enjoy the weddings, family reunions and even the memorial
services.
When I divorce Harry and marry Cyrus, I plan to remain part
of the family, but my sisters-in-law do not approve, and they
no longer want to continue our friendship. If it doesn't
bother my soon-to-be-ex-husband, why should my continuing to
attend family reunions bother them? And will time heal all
wounds?
-- GOING CRAZY IN ALABAMA
DEAR GOING CRAZY: Allow me to offer a clue. Harry's sisters
appear to be traditional in their beliefs and may consider
you to be an adulteress who has wronged their brother. If
the breach can be healed, Harry will have to explain to them
that the divorce is also his idea because your marriage has
been over for years. However, if your soon-to-be-ex is un-
willing to step forward, then I seriously doubt time will
heal this wound, so please don't hold your breath expecting
any invitations when their clan gathers.
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DEAR ABBY: Ever since my father died 15 years ago, my mother
has pursued her children's friends and made them her own.
Example: I live in another state and have had a best friend,
"Anne," for 20 years. Mom has gotten to know Anne quite well
over the years, through me. She now calls Anne long distance,
invites her to come and stay with her (without me), and
considers the two of them best friends.
Last week when I talked to Anne, I learned that Mother will
be joining us on a girls' trip I had planned with my closest
friends. Mother has done this with my siblings' friends, too
-- taking them on trips with her or inviting them to visit.
Since Dad's death, she has severed most of their old friend-
ships. Now, aside from our friends, her only friends are her
secretary and some of her employees.
I'm having a hard time with this because I can no longer be
open about my mother to Anne. Mom's relationship with Anne
has changed my relationship with my friend, and I resent it.
Is this normal?
-- COMPETING WITH MOM
DEAR COMPETING: No, but has it occurred to you that after
your father's death, their friends may have ended their
relationship with your mother? According to my mail, it
happens quite often because a widow may be perceived as a
third wheel or even a threat.
Your mother may be competing with you (and your siblings),
or it could be a desperate attempt to be more involved in
your lives.
Does Anne know how uncomfortable this three-way has made
you feel? If so, how did she respond when you told her? If
you have discussed it, then it's time to recognize that the
problem isn't entirely your mother, and you may be mad at
the wrong person.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and
most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a
business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money
order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet,
P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is
included in the price.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write Dear Abby at
T="_new" class="abbylink">www.DearAbby.com
or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.