GopherCentral Book Collection
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March 31, 2010
WIFE THINKS STAY-AT-HOME DAD NEEDS TO GET UP AND GO
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Roy" for 27 years. For
the past 14, he has been a stay-at-home dad. He took on the
primary job of raising our two kids, now ages 13 and 16,
while my career soared. The problem is, we never agreed to
this arrangement.
Roy left his job at a critical time out of anger and missed
out on some major retraining. He kept saying he'd start his
own business or get work, but he never did. He also never
made up for the loss in skills. Instead, he stayed home,
moped about, and now at 56 would have serious difficulty
finding a job in his field if he wanted to. (I don't think
he really wants to anymore.)
Roy is not happy or fulfilled being at home and does nothing
to get going on anything else. I'm so frustrated with him I
can no longer stand it. I'm ashamed that I let this happen.
For the last few years I have told him repeatedly he has to
get busy with a career, go back to school, something --
anything -- or else. But each deadline I set passes with no
change. Should I leave him?
-- MISERABLE IN MINNESOTA
DEAR MISERABLE: Not yet. Your husband may be chronically
depressed, which is why he mopes around and has given up on
establishing himself independent of you. Instead of giving
Roy more ultimatums that are never enforced, encourage him
to talk to a psychologist. It isn't as though he has spent
the last 15 years being idle. If your children are living
up to their potential, his time has been well spent being a
nurturing parent.
While I understand your frustration at being the sole bread-
winner, recognize that you are not alone in that role these
days. Many women are the heads of households, and they are
not dumping their husbands en masse. Also, if your situation
hasn't met both your needs it would have been over by now.
So before making any hard-and-fast decision about leaving,
consult an attorney and gain some insight about divorce
laws in Minnesota, because regardless of what you decide,
you could find yourself supporting Roy for an extended
period of time.
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DEAR ABBY: When we were younger, my sister "Kara" and I were
sexually abused by our pastor. Kara is now in counseling
because of this, and she's insisting I do the same.
I told her I have no need for or desire to get therapy, and
now she's angry with me. What my sister doesn't know is that
I submitted to our pastor willingly. When I became pregnant
by him at 16, I lied to my family and told them the child
was a result of a one-night stand.
I am no longer involved with this man, although we parted on
good terms and he continues to support our child. Should I
tell my sister the truth so she'll understand why I am reluc-
tant to seek counseling?
-- CONFLICTED IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR CONFLICTED: You should not only tell your sister the
truth, you should also join her in some of those counseling
sessions. While you had sex with your pastor "willingly," you
were underage. What the man did was predatory and statutory
rape. If he would do this to you and your sister, what makes
you think he isn't doing it to other young girls right now?
By staying silent, you may be enabling him to continue. If
you are doing it for the money, there are other ways of
getting support for your child. Please rethink this.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting
along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should
Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed
envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to:
Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL
61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write Dear Abby at
T="_new" class="abbylink">www.DearAbby.com
or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.