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April 28, 2010
WIFE HOLDS HER TONGUE WHILE MAN GIVES A LASHING WITH HIS
DEAR ABBY: Would you please print the signs of a mental
abuser? My husband is like night and day. There's no in-
between. He curses at me, calls me names, tells me I'm stupid
and, when he raises his hand palm outward, it's my sign to
shut up.
I have to leave notes about where I am, what time I'll be
home, and if I'm a minute late, I'm in for it big time. When
I try to stand up for myself he tells me I'm a b---- or "too
sensitive." He also tells me what to wear.
Why on earth would I still love this guy? Please print the
signs because I know a lot of other women in this situation.
-- BEATEN DOWN IN FLORIDA
DEAR BEATEN DOWN: By printing your letter I HAVE printed the
signs of a mental/emotional abuser. Your husband's behavior
is classic, and I don't know why you would still love him.
Women stay with men like your husband because they don't
think they deserve better, or because they are financially
dependent. "Love" has nothing to do with it.
Because verbal and emotional abuse can escalate into physical
abuse, I'm printing the toll-free number of the National
Domestic Violence Hotline. It's (800) 799-7233.
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DEAR ABBY: How do you deal with a thief in your midst? I
have a 21-year-old relative who steals. He has stolen from
me, and I suspect from other members of the family as well.
Please don't suggest therapy -- he's had years of therapy.
Recently, he was caught stealing from a purse belonging to
his mother's best friend.
The problem is family gatherings. I'm not comfortable telling
my guests that they must watch their valuables, but I cannot
deal with the possibility of having a guest's possessions or
money stolen. Also, I don't particularly relish the idea of
having him loose in my house.
He hasn't shown any particular interest in attending these
functions and often hasn't attended when invited, but it's
hard to know whether excluding him might make him feel left
out. My inclination is to tell him the reason I don't want
to invite him. Should I?
-- HIS RELATIVE
DEAR RELATIVE: If he asks why he wasn't invited, by all
means tell him. If years of counseling haven't curbed his
compulsion to steal, it's possible that one day he will
learn in a jail cell what he didn't learn on the couch.
Meanwhile, I see no compelling reason to continue inviting
him to family gatherings. Not only will you be doing your
guests a favor, you'll be exposing your relative to less
temptation.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend has two children from a previous
relationship. I love them very much and treat them like my
own. We often go out with the children to playgrounds,
shopping, etc.
Abby, people often refer to me as the children's mother.
They'll say, "Ask your mom ..." things like that. What's the
proper response to this? I find it embarrassing because I'm
not their mother. But I don't want to make anyone uncomfort-
able by saying I'm not. What would be the most polite re-
sponse to someone in that situation?
-- NOT MOMMY IN MAINE
DEAR NOT MOMMY: The most polite response would be to ignore
their mistake.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most
frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-
sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for
$6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box
447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the
price.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write Dear Abby at
T="_new" class="abbylink">www.DearAbby.com
or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.