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Feb. 12, 2010
WIFE DOUBTS HER MARRIAGE CAN SURVIVE HUSBAND'S DEPRESSIONS
DEAR ABBY: I have been married nine years, but moved to my
own apartment two months ago. I'm 35; my husband, "Art," is
51. Our marriage was fine until two years ago, when he be-
came depressed over his job and we started fighting. He
didn't want to do anything, including have sex, and he quit
his job. I paid the bills until he started a new job, but
he became depressed again. Then he started drinking. We
talked, we cried and stormed. Art refused counseling and
wouldn't stop drinking. Our fights were verbal, but I was
afraid if I stayed they'd escalate and I'd be physically
hurt. That's when I moved.
Art now has a job he likes. He has cut back on his drinking
and is the sweet, loving man I married. He wants to recon-
cile. He says he was depressed and thinks the difference in
our ages excuses the fact that I am sexual and he isn't --
and that I want to go places and do things, but he doesn't.
I am confused. I miss the "good" us. I love my husband and
don't want anyone else, but I'm afraid to go back. If I give
up my apartment and he gets depressed with his new job, I'll
be in a situation I won't be able to get out of. On the one
hand, I think we deserve another chance. On the other, I
don't want to feel like I'm 100 years old when I'm only 35.
Any advice would be appreciated.
-- CAN'T DECIDE IN OHIO
DEAR CAN'T DECIDE: Agree to go back only after you and your
husband have had at least six months of professional couples
counseling. The combination of depression, drinking, your
age difference and his chronic job dissatisfaction all need
to be fully addressed, or your relationship will never be
healed.
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DEAR ABBY: My wife is addicted to her cell phone. Whenever
we're out together it's impossible to converse with her
because she always has one or two text conversations going
on.
The first thing I hear in the morning is her phone buzzing,
notifying her of an incoming text. The last thing I hear at
night is her sending a good-night message to one of her
friends. If no texts are coming in, she plays games on her
phone even if we're watching TV or if company is over.
I have told her it's making me crazy, but she won't stop.
The constant clicking drives me up the wall. I feel as
though I have lost my wife to her phone. Am I being overly
sensitive? What do I do?
-- CLICK-CRAZY IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CLICK-CRAZY: Your wife's behavior does appear to be
obsessive. You need to figure out whether she's using her
cell phone to avoid an intimate relationship with you, or
whether she really has developed an addiction to the device.
Because the "last thing you hear at night" isn't an affect-
ionate comment directed to you, but rather something being
"clicked" to a friend -- it may be the former.
To find out if she's addicted, offer her a challenge. Tell
her you feel the cell phone is interfering with your rela-
tionship. If she denies it, suggest she stop using it. If
she can't put it down for an agreed-upon period of time,
persuade her in a loving way to admit she needs help. The
good news is treatment is available for this kind of com-
pulsive disorder once she has been diagnosed by a mental
health professional.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a
business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money
order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet,
P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is
included in the price.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write Dear Abby at
T="_new" class="abbylink">www.DearAbby.com
or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.