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March 16, 2010
TRIPS HOME FILL WITH FAMILY, LEAVING LITTLE TIME FOR FRIEND
DEAR ABBY: I return to my hometown at least twice a year to
visit my large extended family. When I do, I have tried to
make time for my oldest friend, "Judith," whom I have known
since kindergarten. In the past we have gotten together for
a few hours here and there -- for dinner, coffee or whatever.
She's great company, and we have fun together.
I'd like to spend more time with Judith, but Mom and Dad are
close to 90 and there are many other relatives on my and my
husband's side to see, which takes up most of our time.
Years ago, we tried to see all our friends, but more recently
we have limited it to Judith and her husband and occasionally
include a mutual friend.
Judith just e-mailed me telling me to "have a nice life" be-
cause if we were "truly" friends, I'd make more time with
her. She won't reply to my e-mails or return my calls.
I respect her feelings, but feel pressured by the time con-
straints of our brief visits home. Judith has no children, a
single brother and a married brother with whom she recently
reunited.
I feel like I have committed some kind of crime. I think if
she was a true friend, she'd understand my predicament.
Please help.
-- DEEPLY HURT IN ARIZONA
DEAR HURT: Your pal Judith doesn't appear to have matured
much since kindergarten. Her behavior is petulant, immature
and self-centered. Although you care for her, you cannot
shirk your family obligations in order to placate her. If
Judith can't appreciate that you have placed your family
first, it's regrettable, but please don't permit her to pun-
ish you for it. You're doing the right thing and, although
you may be hurt right now, let that be your consolation.
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DEAR ABBY: I have been involved with "Rich" for 4 1/2 years.
We are now engaged. In the beginning, everything was great.
What I didn't know was that Rich had a baby on the way. I
learned about it from a young woman who knocked on our door
nine months later.
Rich said he was sorry and that he'd handle it. I knew the
situation would be hard to accept, but suppressed my feelings
like I always do instead of being honest about it.
Now this woman comes over whenever she wants. If she's angry
about something, she'll say, "I don't want my baby around
HER," meaning me. She has friends who work with me, and she
has spread lies about me there. She has also called my house
on several occasions and has been rude and nasty.
I have tried to deal with this, but Rich's infidelity and
his having a child with another woman still hurts like it
happened yesterday -- and the child is now 3. Can you help
me?
-- NOT MOVING ON IN VIRGINIA
DEAR NOT MOVING ON: I'll try. Before things evolve any fur-
ther, don't you think that it's time to be open and honest?
You have unresolved anger issues to deal with, and rightfully
so. That's why I strongly advise you and your fiance to start
premarital and couples counseling NOW.
Did Rich know he had gotten a girl pregnant before she
knocked on the door and told you? If so, then what other
information might he also have forgotten to mention? And why
would he tolerate the abusive behavior that the baby's mama
is dishing out to you? If you want to be treated with the
respect you deserve, you must assert yourself. And if you
don't get it, then I advise you to ditch Rich.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning,
order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized,
self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6
(U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet,
P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is
included in the price.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write Dear Abby at
T="_new" class="abbylink">www.DearAbby.com
or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.