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Jan. 5, 2009
RETIRED MOM ADOPTS DAUGHTER'S HOUSE AS NEW FULL-TIME JOB
DEAR ABBY: My mom has recently retired and is spending a lot
of time at our home. She's constantly doing things -- emp-
tying the washer, drying dishes. Anything that is untouched
for a few minutes she'll get into. She also reorganizes our
drawers and cabinets and thinks her way is best.
She even remakes the children's beds, which is part of their
chores. She feels a bed needs to "air" for an hour after its
occupant wakes up. When I tell her she doesn't need to do it,
she says she doesn't mind -- but she's missing the point.
Mom is hurt because she feels I don't appreciate her, and I
am hurt that she doesn't respect my rules. I'm grateful for
everything she does, but I would like her to visit with her
grandchildren and enjoy her retirement while she's at our
home. What should I do?
-- FRUSTRATED IN AUDUBON, PA.
DEAR FRUSTRATED: The problem isn't that your mother doesn't
respect your rules. I suspect it's that she has worked all
her life and isn't used to being idle. She may also feel so
at home in your house that she automatically behaves as
though she were in hers.
Have a chat with her and try to reach a compromise. Your
drawers and cabinets should be off limits, and the children
should be permitted to fulfill their chores. But if emptying
the washer and drying the dishes makes her happy, let her do
it and thank her for her efforts.
Your mother appears to be full of energy and have a lot of
time on her hands. So why not encourage her to volunteer
some of it at her church, a thrift store or a charity of
her choosing? It will help her develop outside interests,
meet new people and form some new friendships -- all of
which will allow her less time to be "helping" you.
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DEAR ABBY: My father died last year. Shortly after his
funeral I sold his car to a friend in need for $200. Her
husband let it slip a couple of days ago that they had dis-
covered a cane tucked beneath the front seat with more than
$300 stuffed inside. The bills had rotted, but they were
able to take them to the bank and exchange them for new ones.
They have spent the money.
I am torn. Shouldn't they have told me and perhaps offered to
split that money? Or, since they bought the car, were all of
its contents theirs? They got the car AND made $100 on the
deal.
-- FUMING IN WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR FUMING: You call these people friends? This isn't a
matter of what would be right under the law. If they were
true friends, they would have told you they had found the
cane, in case it had sentimental value -- and offered you
the contents as well.
DEAR ABBY: When someone I'm talking to starts to cry in front
of me, I never know what to do. I often feel helpless. Should
I hug the person? I usually end up just sitting there waiting
for them to collect themselves. How can I comfort someone
like this?
-- FEELING HELPLESS IN FLORIDA
DEAR FEELING HELPLESS: Unless you know someone well, I do not
recommend hugging. However, if there's a tissue available,
it would be a kindness to hand it over and tell the person
you're sorry he or she is hurting and if he or she needs to
talk, you're willing to listen.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist
and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send
a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or
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is included in the price.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write Dear Abby at
T="_new" class="abbylink">www.DearAbby.com
or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.