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Jan. 20, 2009
PATRONIZING PROFESSOR NEEDS A LESSON IN SOCIAL GRACES
DEAR ABBY: I have always been a curious and motivated per-
son. Because of it, I pursued higher education and became a
college professor. Most of my siblings have also gone to
college. However, their significant others have varying
levels of education.
I like to think of myself as a nice person, but my siblings
have let me know that when I converse with their partners, I
often come across as patronizing. Do these partners need to
be less sensitive, or do I need to be more so?
-- THE GOOD PROFESSOR
DEAR PROF: If only one of your siblings had told you that
you often come across as patronizing, I'd say his or her
partner might be overly sensitive. However, because more
than one has said it, it's time for a self-check. Book smarts
are an undeniable asset, but sensitivity to others can be
even more important. If you talk down to people, no matter
how "smart" you are, eventually they will run away from you.
Do you feel compelled to "correct" those whom you know to
have less education than you? Do you speak in polysyllables
when a few simple words will do? If the answers to these
questions are affirmative, you need to be more socially
sensitive when you're with your family -- and possibly when
you're in the classroom as well.
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DEAR ABBY: My parents divorced when my older brother and I
were small. Mom remarried, and I was adopted by the wonderful
man who raised me as his beloved daughter. I had limited con-
tact with my biological father, "Nate," which seemed to
please everyone.
After my adopted dad passed, Nate came back into my life. I
have not seen much of him but he was present at my second
marriage five years ago, traveling across country to be there.
Last month he called to tell me he has been diagnosed with
terminal cancer and has named me as his heir since my older
brother is deceased.
As a birthday gift, I presented him with a box from a company
that does genome sequencing. It allows people to see their
DNA and learn about their ancestry as well as any health-
related issues. I enjoyed learning about genetics and thought
Nate would, too.
Imagine how stunned I was when I learned that Nate is NOT my
father. The company has assured me there is little chance the
test is wrong, and they are certain we are not related.
I am close to my mother and horrified that she kept this sec-
ret from me for more than 50 years. I don't want anyone to be
hurt, but I need the truth. What do I do?
-- QUESTIONING MY DNA IN S.F.
DEAR QUESTIONING: Have a calm, private conversation with your
mother and tell her what you have learned. If she denies it,
have the test repeated. When you receive the results, either
apologize to your mother or raise the subject again. She may
know who your father was, or you may have been the result of
an opening shot in the sexual revolution, a chapter your
mother may not care to revisit.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The
Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send
a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or
money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger
Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage
is included in the price.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write Dear Abby at
T="_new" class="abbylink">www.DearAbby.com
or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.