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Jan. 14, 2009
PARENTS FEAR SON'S TAG-ALONG GIRLFRIEND WILL HOLD HIM BACK
DEAR ABBY: Our son, "Sam," is a senior in high school and
has chosen a college that will suit his major. Now, all of
a sudden, his girlfriend, "Amanda," has decided she wants
to attend the same school. We'd like to discourage it be-
cause we know she's only going there to be close to our
son. We feel she needs to get out on her own as much as Sam
does.
Sam has tried to break up with her in the past, but she
makes him feel guilty about breaking it off. We have talked
to our son about her and her behavior. He is a bright kid,
but seems not to be smart where Amanda is concerned.
Please help us figure out a way to make Sam understand the
kind of position he's putting himself in. Amanda is needy
and spoiled. She has never had to work for anything. Our
son holds down two jobs and seems very independent -- so why
is he coddling her?
-- HELP NEEDED IN WISCONSIN
DEAR HELP NEEDED: Sam may be emotional about Amanda, or just
so soft-hearted he can't get past her guilt trips. Please
remain calm, because college is almost a year away and a lot
can happen between now and then. If Amanda's focus is on Sam
and not her grades, although she may want to attend the same
college, she may not be accepted for enrollment.
If she is, then your husband needs to have a man-to-man talk
with Sam and point out that when he gets to college he is
going to be exposed to many different experiences and people,
that he's quickly going to grow emotionally and intellectu-
ally, and that is why it's important that he keeps his options
open.
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DEAR ABBY: My problem is I attract needy people. I don't have
a problem setting boundaries. However, those boundaries are
frequently crossed because the person is so self-absorbed
that he/she "can't hear" me.
How does one draw the line with a complete stranger who wants
to tell me her whole life story the first time we meet, and
sucks away my energy and my time? I feel like the individual
isn't even talking to me. She might as well be talking to
herself or to a wall for all I care.
Abby, I do not want to continue being taken hostage by these
kinds of people. I'm not interested in their lives or
troubles. I have enough of my own. I don't want to be unkind,
but I haven't found a way to protect myself from being forced
to invest time in needy acquaintances with whom I do not wish
to pursue a relationship. I am not a total (rhymes with
witch), but I am definitely ...
BAFFLED IN VERO BEACH, FLA.
DEAR BAFFLED: If I understand your description correctly,
the type of person you describe is a "sapper." These are
individuals who talk until they completely drain the energy
from their "victim" -- not unlike vampires in Stephenie
Meyer's novels.
An effective way to deal with a sapper is to stop the conver-
sation. Explain that he or she has caught you at a time or
place when it's inconvenient to talk, or tell the person you
do not feel qualified to deal with their situation and refer
them to a doctor, lawyer or therapist. Then walk away or end
the phone call -- depending upon how they have "attached"
themselves to you.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend broke up with me, saying, "It's not
me, it's you." If he meant it as a joke, I didn't feel like
laughing. What should I have said to him?
-- STUNG IN DENVER
DEAR STUNG: The best response is the one you probably gave
him: "Goodbye!"
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting
along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should
Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed
envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to:
Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL
61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write Dear Abby at
T="_new" class="abbylink">www.DearAbby.com
or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.