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April 1, 2010
OUTLANDISH LETTER WRITERS TAKE THE CAKE ON APRIL FOOLS' DAY
DEAR READERS: It's April Fools' Day again, the day I share
some of the letters I receive that are so farfetched I
wouldn't print them any other day because they are either
over the top or under the bottom, depending upon one's per-
spective. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As I was eating my lunch yesterday, I saw the
image of Abraham Lincoln on one of my potato chips. As I was
daydreaming about how much money I would make charging
people to see it, I absentmindedly popped it into my mouth
and ate it! Is there anything I can do about this?
-- DANA IN PALM SPRINGS, CALIF.
DEAR DANA: Absolutely. Start thinking about some other orig-
inal ways to make money. Your potato chip may have been
delicious, but unfortunately, you ATE your business plan.
DEAR ABBY: While I was out of town on a business trip, my
wife suddenly became a vegetarian. While that may sound like
a good thing to some people, it is a matter of great concern
to me. Since becoming a vegetarian, she has gained 30 pounds
and no longer has her girlish figure.
In addition, she will no longer swat flies or kill a roach
in the house, saying she doesn't kill anything anymore.
Perhaps others who have encountered this situation can give
me some hints on how to handle this.
-- ARKANSAS CARNIVORE
DEAR ARKANSAS CARNIVORE: I sure hope so -- I'll let you know
if I hear from anyone who wants to weigh in on your problem.
But in the meantime, you'll have to cook your own steaks and
kill your own insects.
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DEAR ABBY: Please help me make my life better and answer a
question that has been troubling me for some time. How do
men on death row get their toenails cut? Are they actually
given sharp objects to do it for themselves? I can't figure
it out.
-- PERPLEXED IN SOUTHWEST FLORIDA
DEAR PERPLEXED: Your question is one I have pondered for some
time, as well. Because men on death row are not supposed to
have sharp objects, they take turns chewing each other's toe-
nails off. I have this on good authority -- and I'm not
conning you.
DEAR ABBY: I have fallen deeply in love with a homeless man,
and I have been trying unsuccessfully to convince him to move
in with me for some time, but he just won't leave his card-
board box. He says it has sentimental value that I just don't
understand. Please help me, Abby. What should I do?
-- CARLA IN WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR CARLA: Try this. Have him move his cardboard box into
your home, then he won't have to give it up and can spend as
much time as he needs in it. Then slowly coax him out of his
box for longer and longer periods of time, and you'll both
have what you want. Good luck.
DEAR ABBY: I want to marry a nice, sweet girl who just
completed her prison sentence for abandoning her illegiti-
mate kid. My problem is, my dad sells drugs, my mother died
in an asylum of syphilitic insanity, my two sisters are
hookers and my older brother is awaiting trial for killing
his girlfriend's husband. My younger brother is a U.S.
congressman. Should I tell my future bride the awful truth
about my younger brother?
-- PETE W., GILCHRIST, TEXAS
DEAR PETE: Absolutely! And, unless you're afraid it will
scare her off, you should also mention you're a creative
writer.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist
and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send
a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or
money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity
Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage
is included in the price.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write Dear Abby at
T="_new" class="abbylink">www.DearAbby.com
or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.