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June 8, 2010

MOM MUST WORK TO OVERCOME CONTEMPT SHE HAS FOR DAUGHTER

DEAR ABBY: "Anonymous in Washington State" (March 25) can't
stand her 10-year-old daughter but adores her two sons. I
have worked for more than 20 years for a nonprofit organiz-
ation whose mission is to improve parenting and prevent child
abuse.

"Anonymous" can access more information from the Washington
State Department of Social and Health Services online
(www.dshs.wa.gov)
or via telephone at (360) 902-8400 to find out about free
or low-cost mental health/counseling services in her area.
Parent Trust for Washington Children may be able to provide
information on support groups and other services. The phone
number is (206) 233-0156. Finally, there is Childhelp USA
((800) 422-4453) if she wants to speak to a counselor who
can direct her to local services.
-- SUZANNA IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR SUZANNA: Thank you for sharing some valuable resources.
That letter struck a nerve with many readers who reached out
to offer help as well as share similar experiences. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As a teacher, I would occasionally have a student
I didn't like. I gave myself the "Ten Rule." I'd make 10
positive comments about the student before I allowed myself
to make a negative one. The process worked miracles.

I don't know if I changed because I made the effort to find
good qualities, or if the child changed because of the posi-
tive input. Before long, I found myself liking and enjoying
that student as much as I did the others.
-- NANCY IN BROUSSARD, LA.

DEAR ABBY: I suffered physical and verbal abuse from my
mother, who told me often I was her "ugly" child. The day I
checked out of the hospital for depression she told me she
had never bonded with me as an infant and that I annoyed her.
I suffered from low self-esteem for as far back as I can
remember.

I'm almost 40 now, and after thousands of hours of therapy
and hard work, I choose to believe that I am worthy and
loving. I'm in a healthy marriage and have a 2-year-old
daughter. The thought of repeating the pattern of abuse
makes me ill. I hope "Anonymous" will do whatever she can
to change her attitude toward her daughter.
-- J.H., LONG BEACH, CALIF.

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DEAR ABBY: Children mimic what they see. "Anonymous" has two
sons who are watching and learning how to treat people,
especially women.
-- READER IN MILES CITY, MONT.

DEAR ABBY: My mother was physically and mentally abusive to
me while she doted on my three brothers. I used to pray for
someone to rescue me. I vowed never to have children because
I feared there was a defect my mother had passed on to me,
and I never wanted anyone to feel the way she made me feel.
Ironically, my three brothers never even call my mother, and
after tons of therapy, I am now her loving caregiver.
-- BEEN THERE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: I am 52 and my heart still aches when I think of
how unloved I felt as an awkward 10-year-old. My mother was
repulsed by me -- an overweight, bucktoothed, loud and un-
ladylike girl.

After I left home I went on to become a highly successful,
beautiful and engaging woman, despite the flawed vision of
myself that had been created by my self-absorbed and verbally
abusive mother. Little girls grow up, and what this mother
ruins today may haunt her tomorrow.
-- GROWN UP IN NEW ENGLAND



To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a
business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money
order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet,
P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
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Phillips. Write Dear Abby at
www.DearAbby.com
or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.