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Feb. 18, 2010
MEN GAIN EMPATHY IN A 'FLASH' FOR THEIR MENOPAUSAL SPOUSES
DEAR ABBY: You asked female readers if we have anything to
add to your advice to "Hot Flash Hilda" (Dec. 16), whose
husband says she's "mean" and "freaky" because she doesn't
want to snuggle when she's having a hot flash. I have had
18 years of menopause. I told my older son once that meno-
pause constitutes justifiable homicide, and he'd better
tread carefully.
Hilda should tell her husband that hot flashes are like
claustrophobia. You're heating up from the inside out and
have no way to escape. There are times when my skin actually
hurts. Maybe if she uses "justifiable homicide" it will get
through to him.
-- LINDA IN MESA, ARIZ.
DEAR LINDA: When I printed the question from "Hilda," I had
no idea that menopause was such a hot topic and that I'd
not only receive responses from women, but also from male
readers.
Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My wife has also been dealing with hot flashes.
Her comments to me fell on deaf ears until my doctor pre-
scribed a niacin-based drug for triglyceride issues. He
failed to advise me to take an aspirin shortly before taking
the niacin. When I took the niacin for the first time, I had
an instant understanding of what hot flashes were and what
my wife had been subjected to for several years.
-- GETS IT NOW IN GEORGIA
DEAR ABBY: My husband also didn't understand my need for
distance during a hot flash. So I took him to a spa for a
day of couples pampering and suggested he get into the sauna
to relax.
When he was good and hot, I joined him and suggested we
"snuggle." He exclaimed, "But I'm all hot and sweaty!" I
smiled and said, "You're having a hot flash." That's when
he finally got it.
Now he not only gives me space during a hot flash, but
offers me a cool drink of water or a chilled cloth to put
on my neck for the duration of the "heat wave."
-- DIANE IN SUSANVILLE, CALIF.
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DEAR ABBY: Thank you for that reply! Men need to try and
understand what women feel during a hot flash. A 450-degree
oven about sums it up. I bought books on the subject for my
husband, but have yet to give them to him. I most certainly
will now.
-- MICHELE IN WURTSBORO, N.Y.
DEAR MICHELE: Another way to educate a clueless spouse is
for both of them to consult the wife's gynecologist or their
primary physician to discuss what the hormone changes may be
doing to her body and psyche.
DEAR ABBY: When my hubby and I first married, he was always
the warm one; I was always freezing. At night he'd snuggle
me in bed until I was comfortable.
Years later, he was diagnosed with cancer. Radiation therapy
caused his body temperature to drop while I, coincidentally,
was going through menopause. Now I would wrap my legs around
his, snuggling him until we were both comfortable.
One night, while we were all entangled, he exclaimed, "Oh,
my God, we've turned into each other!" He's been gone 10
years now, and what I'd give for one more snuggle.
-- BONNIE IN GREENFIELD, WIS.
DEAR ABBY: My partner and I are both going through menopause.
Try having two women having hot flashes at the same time --
the sheets nearly burst into flames. Hilda should be grateful
she's not going through WOMENopause.
-- VICKIE IN TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: On a recent trip to Rome, my husband generously
sprinkled fresh peppers in his food (while the waiter shook
his head). Heat seared through his body. His eyes were
glassy, sweat beaded on his forehead and he gulped the whole
carafe of water. I looked at him and said, "Welcome to MY
world."
-- ANITA IN ORANGE CITY, IOWA
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