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Wednesday, March 23, 2011
5 Steps to Being Present in the Moment
By Adam Boettiger
http://digitalminimalism.com/
I am, by my own admission, equally as guilty as you are of
being "over-connected". Let's just get that out of the way
at the outset.
- I've taken my MacBook Air to the toilet
- I've replied to email on my Droid X while my wife was
talking to me
- I sleep with my smart phone on my bedside table
- I've texted while walking and bumped into something
- I've snuck off to the bathroom at restaurants to check
my mobile device
- I've given my attention (our most valuable commodity)
to my laptop at times when it should have been given to
my kids or spouse
There. I've said it. It's out there. But I am slowly
discovering ways to change ? that there really are ways to
still get work done without taking your laptop with you
when you have to use the bathroom. In a way, this blog ?
and my upcoming book http://digitalminimalism.com/book/
? are about that journey. And I need travel partners, so
spread the word!
I've got two sons and a daughter at home. My youngest is
six and is smart as a whip. In any given conversation, he's
about nine steps ahead of the person he's talking with, has
thought over every possible response in his mind and comes
up with both some very witty one-liners and some very sharp
observations that you'd not expect to hear from a six year
old.
Last night, my wife and I were in bed talking with him
about his day and he asked me if tomorrow I could drive
him to Target so he could buy his mother a necklace for
Valentine's Day. He gets a dollar a week for allowance
and, unlike my other two kids, he does not spend it as
soon as he gets it, so the kid actually had saved up
close to $30 in his Big Man wallet that I had given him.
"Yeah, Dad. Can you drive me there tomorrow? I want to
get mom a necklace. But don't worry. I won't get her a
ring, because I don?t want to steal your woman."
He says stuff like this all the time. I'm sure your kids
do too. But are you present in the moment to hear it?
There's physically being there and there's mentally being
there.
While I am often physically there, like many of you, I can
be in the same room as my wife and see her lips moving but
hear nothing because I'm glancing at something really
fascinating on Twitter on my smart phone. Understandably,
this type of thing causes some friction in our relation-
ship, so I am really working hard on what I call being
present in the moment. And so should you. So you don't
miss those moments like my son above talking about not
wanting to steal my wife from me.
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To be clear, being present in the moment is different from
living in the moment, or flying by the seat of your pants,
living like you're going to die in a year. That's a topic
for another post.
Step #1: Give the person you're with your full attention
My wife has this sixth sense where she can always tell
when I'm not listening to her. We've been married 13 years
this April and have reached the point where we can be
blunt with each other without hurting each other's feel-
ings. Women are great at multi-tasking. I think they are
wired for it so they can hear and see all that is going
around with their kids. I on the other hand prefer to do
one thing at a time, to try to focus. And sometimes our
worlds collide.
We had discussed ordering takeout from an Italian restaur-
ant, she'd looked at the menu, I'd located the phone number
and was listening to the restaurant's voice tree options
when I saw my wife's lips moving. She'd already moved on
to the next conversation and was trying to have it with me
while I was trying to place the order, remember what she
wanted (because God forbid I'd get it wrong), and move on
to the next task. I turned to her and said, "I'm NOT listen-
ing to you. I'm on the phone." And then we both cracked up
with laughter because it sounded just like an episode of
Seinfeld. Note to Guys: Do NOT do that when dating or there
will not be a second date.
My point is this: If you're with you spouse or child,
give them your full attention. Look into their eyes
when speaking with them. Practice active listening
and engage them. You being on your laptop in your
kid's room while your kid plays on the Nintendo DSi
is NOT giving them your full attention.
Step #2: Become unreachable
One of my favorite things to do is to take "Digital Naps".
Yeah, we've all heard of the term "Digital Vacation",
where you unplug for a weekend or full week, we've heard
of "No Screens Day", where for a full day you avoid any-
thing that has a screen ? including TV and video games ?
to give your neurons a rest; but I love taking what I
call "Digital Naps".
Every day for at least one hour, I become "Unreachable".
I used to say that if I could have any superpower in the
world it would be Teleportation (that is BTW, the "coolest"
superpower); but now the Superpower of being "Unreachable"
is becoming a close second in my book, because it's
actually doable.
Say this phrase out loud with me: "I am a very import-
ant person, but I am neither a brain surgeon on call
nor a heart transplant surgeon on call; therefore, I
am giving myself permission to be unreachable for at
least an hour a day."
Go ahead. I'll wait while you say it out loud, because
it's important that you understand that if you're reading
this and you're the CEO of a Fortune 100 company, a multi-
billionaire, a marketing manager or an information worker
? you do NOT need to be reachable 24/7. Life will happen
without you. For thousands of years this has been true.
When I was in high school ? you know, back when MTV
actually played "music" instead of 16 and Pregnant reality
TV shows ? we didn't have cell phones or smart phones. You
wanted to reach somebody, you either picked up the phone
and talked to their mother first or you went to their house
and knocked on their door. We were pretty unreachable back
then. But it's not impossible for you to be unreachable
now.
"It has a #&$^ng OFF switch."
That's what I'm going to get printed on my Tee Shirt.
Seriously. If you want to be present in the moment, and
you should be, if even for part of your day, take a
Digital Nap and power OFF your smart phone for an hour.
Power it off when you're with your kid or spouse. How
can you give them your full attention and be present in
the moment with alerts going off? You can't. When you
turn it back on, it's all going to be there for you,
including the text messages, the emails, the voicemails.
Trust me. I know what I'm doing.
Step #3: Make it about them
A good friend of mine, Scott Stratten, did something
wonderful with his son and it's worth sharing. He got up
one morning and just asked his son what he wanted to do
today. The whole day was going to be about his son ? from
the breakfast menu to where they went to what they did.
It didn't matter what they did. What really mattered to
his son was that his dad was present in the moment with
him. That night, as he tucked his son in bed, his little
man looked up to him and said, "Dad, this was the best
day of my life!"
Kids don't care about WHAT you're doing with them.
You don't need to take them to Disneyland or ice
cream or buy them expensive things. They care about
your TIME and your ATTENTION.
Step #4: Get outdoors
If you can, getting out in the woods or in nature and
fresh air is always great, but it's especially great if
you can recharge your batteries with a spouse or your
kids. Go on a hike, go for a short walk or bike ride.
Go to the park. But leave your smart phone at home or
keep it powered off, because you are being present in
the moment.
Step #5: Don't set limits
There is no time limit on being present in the moment, so
try not to impose one. That's like scheduling sex with
your spouse on your smart phone. It ain't gonna happen,
guys. You also may need longer than 15 minutes, so don't
think of being present in the moment as an "appointment"
with a fixed beginning and a "hard stop". Think of it as
a state of mind that you strive to achieve.
Keep in mind, the faster technology moves, the more we are
in uncharted territory.
There are no rules. There's what works and what does not
work.
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About Adam Boettiger - Practicing digital minimalist living
in Portland, Oregon. I have a love/hate relationship with
email. I write as often as I can, enjoy reading and also
love to scuba and skydive. Follow me @adamboettiger and
visit http://digitalminimalism.com/ for more articles.
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Questions? Comments? Email me at: quote (at) Quotes2u.com
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