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March 17, 2010
MAN RUSTY ON RULES OF DATING AFTER 30 YEARS OFF THE MARKET
DEAR ABBY: I am newly single after a 30-year marriage. Would
you please explain to me the protocol regarding intimacy?
After how many dates is it appropriate to engage in intimacy?
And afterward, should the man call the woman or the woman
call the man? How long should one wait before calling? I'm
afraid if I call too soon I'll appear needy, and if I wait
too long to call I'll appear to be a player.
-- TENTATIVE TOM IN TAMPA
DEAR TENTATIVE TOM: When an individual has reached middle
age, that person is considered mature enough to know when
he (or she) is comfortable enough with another person to
engage in "intimacy." No time limit is engraved in stone.
As to who should call whom first to offer congratulations
on a fine performance, there is no reason to stand on cere-
mony. Everyone likes a compliment, and a prompt, "Thank you
for a wonderful time; it was great," is not considered needy
-- it's good manners.
DEAR ABBY: I recently experienced an awkward situation. I
reconnected with an old friend I hadn't seen in about four
years. The last time I saw her she was pregnant. I asked
about her baby, and she informed me that he had died a few
months after his birth.
She clearly found the memory sad, but at the same time had
moved on. I didn't want to force her to re-experience the
event by asking her what happened, but it seemed rude to
abruptly change the subject to some minor matter after such
sobering news.
What is the polite thing to say when someone tells you about
a tragedy, but long after it happened?
-- WORDS FAIL ME, PEKIN, ILL.
DEAR WORDS: The correct way to handle it would have been to
say, "I'm so sorry for your loss," and let your friend decide
whether to discuss it further or change the subject. In other
words, let her take the lead.
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DEAR ABBY: When I was married I had an affair with a married
man. We had a child together, and I divorced my husband.
When the affair ended, child support was never mentioned,
and for the last nine years I have raised my daughter by my-
self.
I am recently married to a wonderful man who takes care of
both of us very well. My daughter has never asked anything
about her father, but I know down the road she'll want to
know what happened. I don't know when I should talk to her
about this, and if I should take any legal steps to claim
child support. Part of me feels that I should go for it;
part of me is saying I should just let it go. Your thoughts,
please?
-- AMBIVALENT IN PLANO, TEXAS
DEAR AMBIVALENT: The time to tell your daughter the details
is when she starts asking you questions. Whether you should
seek retroactive child support is something you should dis-
cuss with an attorney. While it might result in a nice chunk
of change that could be put toward your daughter's college
education, it could also result in the biological father's
having access to the girl. And frankly, a man who not only
cheats on his wife but shirks his financial responsibility to
his daughter strikes me as less than a positive role model.
TO MY IRISH READERS: Have a joyous St. Patrick's Day, but if
you're drinking, don't drive. And if you're driving, don't
drink.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The
Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send
a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or
money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger
Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage
is included in the price.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write Dear Abby at
T="_new" class="abbylink">www.DearAbby.com
or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.