Sunday, May 24, 2015

Greetings Laff Lovers,

So I convince my three teenage children to join their parents at a Memorial Day barbeque hosted by one of my rich friends...OK, my only rich friend...OK, he's more of an acquaintance than a friend, OK, this guy Lewis knows invited me to a Memorial Day BBQ. We pulled up and parked along the long driveway and found Lewis talking to someone I didn't know.

He introduced us then cast a glance at my car. "You washed your car? Very good, TZ."

"Yeah," I said, "The family refused to come with me unless I washed off the 'Blow Me' that Clean Laffs Joe wrote in the grime. Nice digs," I said motioning to the house. "Let's go see what the spread looks like."

We walked a couple of acres, went around the back and found an all stone outdoor kitchen with caterers in white uniforms milling about.

"Fuck you," I whispered to Lewis.

Just then the host walked up. "Lewis! TZ! Welcome!"

"What's up, Doc?" I said shaking his hand. "Thanks for having us. Perhaps your son would like to marry my daughter, once they meet and fall in love?"

We all laughed, then we sat down and ate and drank and were having a pretty spiffy time. After lunch about ten men were sitting around the fire pit smoking cigars, and I don't mind saying I was being more charming than usual.

"I saw a woman wearing a leopard print outfit the other day, and I immediately thought, 'she swallows.' I don't know why but every time I see a woman in that kind of outfit that is my first thought."

That got a pretty good laugh.

"Or if I see a woman in a casual setting kind of dressed up and wearing really high heels my first thought is, 'she takes it up the ass.' Or if a woman is wearing a stylish hat with a feathery boa around her neck I think, 'she likes double penetration.'"

At that moment three women walked up and hugged our host. Glaring at me he said, "Gentlemen, their plane was delayed, so please allow me to introduce you to my sister and my nieces."

His sister had a leopard print silky blouse on. The twenty-fiveish niece wore spike heels and dress shorts, and the older niece was wearing a stylish hat with a feather in it.
Uninvitedly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself... 'I'm going to take that.'



Husband's call:

"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays.

The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they they may have to amputate my right foot if it doesn't heal quickly."

However, the doctors feel the foot can be treated and I will be OK, but they just need to monitor the foot for a few days. I'm in room 406 at Baptist East.

Wife's Response: "Who is Paula?"

And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married.



For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two laws. They legalized gay marriage and legalized marijuana. The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says:
If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!



Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"Sex," he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige with that," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.

Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he is O.K. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little Pal.

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."