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Laffaday - 'Woof.'
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Sunday, February 21, 2016
Greetings Laff Lovers,
I have a pretty good relationship with my wife, but even after all these years she still doesn't quite understand me. For example; last weekend we were out shopping and I saw a gorgeous young thing (well, maybe 25 or 30, but young to me) just pouring out of a tight, v-neck sweater. So I let slip a little "woof" under my breath. Involuntarily, but my wife still heard it.
Instead of smacking me in the back of the head or calling me a pervert or threatening to super glue my penis to my belly while I'm asleep, she just rolled her eyes and told me to, "keep it in my pants." Which is pretty understanding for a woman.
But then later that very same night the both of us were watching television when some horrible harpy came on the screen. Yellow, crooked teeth, blotchy skin and quivering jowls, her rusty hinge voice in full cry about some pointless issue or other. And once again an involuntarily "woof" escaped my lips.
My wife immediately turned on me and said, "Please don't tell me you think that woman is attractive!"
"Quite the contrary, my dulcet Darling." I quoth. "The mere sight of her is sending my balls retreating."
"Then why did you say 'woof' like you did at the poor, innocent high school girl you saw this afternoon?"
"Those are two, completely different woofs," I explained. "The first is a 'woof' of appreciation. Like I am a hungry wolf who has just caught scent of a delicious piece of prime beef. The second is the kind of 'woof' you would bark at a real dog."
"And just how are they different?" she asked.
So I demonstrated one 'woof' for her and then the other.
"They sound exactly the same to me," she said.
I told her, "That's because you're listening like a woman."
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Why is this?
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That, and they go through your shit while you're in the shower.
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She tells him, "If I knew you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose."
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He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age when he asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."
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