Monday, July 11, 2011

Greetings Laff Lovers,

The wife and I just got back from celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary in New York. Why New York, you ask? Fuck if I know. That's where she said she wanted to go, and me being the chump that I am, took her.

Between the naked, crazy guy walking through Time's Square, the endless throng of homos, the filthy bums sleeping on the sidewalks, the endless hustle of the street vendors and the completely psychotic cab drivers I couldn't wait to get the hell out of there.

The cabbies really deserve their own paragraph. After a few minutes of riding in one I asked the guy, "Why do you drive like this?"

"Because," he said as he turned around and looked at me as we flew down the street through several yellow lights, "If I don't drive like this I'll cause an accident."

We reached our destination, the cab screeched to a halt, my wife lurched out of the back seat, doubled over and threw up on the curb.

I tossed a couple extra bucks at the guy. "That's for giving us a better ride than the roller coaster at Coney island."

Terrifiedly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com



"A toddler in China fell 10 stories out of a window and was caught by a woman walking by. The kid was fine. He didn't even miss a day of work." -Jay Leno



My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian... The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."



"Medical marijuana users are now lobbying for the right to carry firearms. Because no one is a better shot than a stoned old man with glaucoma." -Conan O'Brien


*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***
It's Available. THE Laffaday Book... Check it out, it's 91 cents! (plus s&h). For more info or to order visit: THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ


A man goes into a bar, and the barmaid asks what he wants.

"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits." he says.

"You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "Get out before I get my husband."

The man apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

"I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it all off."

She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're barred. Get out!"

Again, the man apologizes and swears never to do it again.

"One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now, what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, tear your panties off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from your hairy cup."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs in the back to fetch her husband.

"What's up?" he asks his irate wife.

"There's some asshole out in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off," she says.

"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yogurt down between my ass cheeks and lick it off," she screams.

"Oh, he's a dead man!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink it all," she cries.

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his chair.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look, I'm not messing with any guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness at once."