Thursday, April 10, 2014

Greetings Laff Lovers,

What a day; one meeting after another. Usually I am spared this kind of bullshit, but nominally I am the company's operations manager (that means I am the asshole in charge of buying paper towels and complaining to the landlord when the toilet clogs up) so when tax time rolls around I have to let the pencil pushers stick a microscope up my ass.

Finalizing our taxes required a decision on whether to follow the advice of our whip-smart downtown Jewish law firm, or that of our south-side neighborhood Polish accountants who might not be the most meticulous (or all that good at math) but who always seem to come up with a number we like.

But nobody listens to my advice. I suggested a long time ago that we should have found some Polish Jews.

Hmmm, decisions decisions.

Decisively,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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To my darling wife...

When I die I want you to mix my ashes in a bowl of chili from Wendy's and eat it. Just so I can tear that ass up one more time.



Two friends were hanging out in a Western bar. One decided to try the Bucking Bronco machine. He managed to hang on for three whole minutes.

His buddy was impressed. "Wow!" he exclaimed, "That was sure something!"

"It was easy," his friend said modestly. "I get lots of practice. My wife's an epileptic."



"A new survey found that one-third of married women with pets say their animals are better listeners than their husbands. When husbands heard that they were like, 'Huh? You say something?'" -Jimmy Fallon




The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down, Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Minutes later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation...she never got your email!"