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Laffaday - When a woman gets the last laugh.
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Sunday, June 26, 2016
Greetings Laff Lovers,
"TZ, here is a favorite joke of mine that I think you might appreciate. I haven't seen it in your email before."
This guy and his wife are getting it on in the bedroom when he has a heart attack and dies. The next day the mortician calls the widow up and says, "Mam, your husband still has a hard on. It won't look right in an open casket. What do you want me to do about it?"
She says bluntly, "Well, cut it off and stick it up his ass."
The mortician asks, "Mam, did I hear you right? Did you say cut it off and stick it up his ass?"
She replies, "You heard me right sir."
So later that week at the man's funeral all his friends and colleagues were there and one of them noticed some moisture that looked just like a tear in the corner of the man's eye. They then brought their concerns to the widow who simply replied, "Oh don't worry about a thing, everything's fine."
And after a short while when the lid was slowly being lowered for the last time, the widow bends slightly towards the man for her last words to him and she whispers, "Hurts, don't it?"
[Let me guess, Dave, your wife won't take it up the ass?]
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"Seventy-two new emojis came out today, and I saw that one of the new emojis is a pregnant woman. Apparently it's the emoji you get nine months after texting, 'You up?'" -Jimmy Fallon
My wife just came in all flustered and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going."
I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you must be going - 'cuz when you're coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"
"Nearly 1 million adults in the U.S. are in a same-sex marriage. That's compared to the nearly 40 million adults in a no-sex marriage." -Conan O'Brien
Here are 10 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio...
1) Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator:
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
2) New Zealand Rugby Commentator:
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
3) Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
4) Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977:
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
5) US PGA Com mentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that before each tee shot his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god!! What have I just said?"
6) A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"
7) Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."
8) Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
9) Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
10) Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
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