Thursday, June 12, 2014

Greetings Laff Lovers,

My kids have finally reached that age where they don't give a shit about Father's Day anymore, thank God. A guy can take only so many bottles of Old Spice aftershave, rayon neckties, coffee mugs that say 'World's Greatest Dad' and shittyly prepared pancake breakfasts before he starts to dread the third Sunday of June.

But this year I am getting something I really want. An entire morning of golf away from that soul-sucking coven of little leeches.

Paternally,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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"Lawmakers in Jamaica are now considering a bill that would legalize marijuana. Let me repeat myself: Lawmakers in Jamaica are considering a bill to legalize marijuana. In related news, lawmakers in Italy are considering a bill to legalize spaghetti, and lawmakers in Ireland are considering a bill to legalize whiskey." -Jimmy Fallon



10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date 20% of the men had sex in a non- traditional place 36% of the women favor nudity 45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes 46% of the women experienced anal sex 70% of the women prefer sex in the morning 80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations 90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest 99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.

Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.

Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it.



"That's right, the co-founder of Burt's Bees was forced out of the company for having an affair with an employee. In his defense, he was just trying to explain to her the story of the Burts and the bees." -Conan O'Brien



Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work in my Volvo 1800 leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila



Dear Sheila: An 1800 stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum lines and hoses on the in-take manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

-Walter