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Thursday, July 21, 2016

Greetings Laff Lovers,

My wife and I recently went to the Canadian side of Niagara Falls to celebrate 25 years of marriage.

When she floated the idea I said, "You want me to spend all that money to celebrate 25 years of infrequent and inadequate sex with the same person?"

She said, "I'm not the inadequate one."

I said, "I was talking about myself. And that's another thing, how did you get to be so good?"

She said, "Do you remember that joke about the tourist asking the cabbie, 'How do you get to Madison Square Garden?'
And the cabbie says, 'Practice, practice, practice.'"

"I practiced a lot, too."

"It doesn't count if you are practicing alone. This is a team sport."

So I acquiesced and we went to the Falls. And I acquiesced and we flew there. And I acquiesced and we stayed in a room overlooking the Falls. And I acquiesced and we did every fucking thing she wanted.

Several times throughout the trip she said, "Don't you feel like we are on our honeymoon?"

"Other than the fact that back then I could get hard every five minutes and now it's once a night and then I need a bowl of spaghetti...sure, it's just like our honeymoon to Indianapolis, Indiana."

So we had a wonderful time. We spent one day at Niagara on the Lake. It's a small town on Lake Ontario and I told my wife, "If it wasn't for all these Canadians I could live here."

But alas the long weekend drew to a close. As we pulled into our driveway I exclaimed, "Holy shit, would you look at that; our 15 year-old son actually brought in the garbage can..."

More on that later.



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"Scientists have discovered that men are genetically programed to look at other women. So sorry, ladies, it's science. I've got to do what I've got to do." -Conan O'Brien

A fellow walked up to me the other day and said, "Have you seen a cop around here anywhere?"

I said, "No, I haven't."

He said, "Great. Stick 'em up!"

"A new story came out that more and more babies are being named after Instagram filters. The good news about naming your daughter after an Instagram filter like Sierra, Willow, or Lux is that she won't have to change her name if she becomes a stripper." -James Corden

One day a boy comes home from school and says, "Dad I need to know the meaning of hypothetically and realistically for school."

The father replies, "OK, go ask your mother if she would sleep with a strange man for 1 million dollars."

So the little boy goes and asks and sure enough she says yes.

His dad says, "Now go ask your sister if she would sleep with a strange man for a million dollars."

He does and sure enough she says yes.

So the father says, "You see son, hypothetically we are sitting on 2 million bucks, but realistically we are living with a couple of whores."

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