Thursday, November 13, 2014

Greetings Laff Lovers,

We have been witness to history, folks. In case you have been in a coma the last couple days, the Rosetta mission, launched by the European Space Agency, has actually landed a spacecraft on a comet.

If you aren't impressed with that let me put it in some perspective for you. In order to get to its destination the spacecraft had to travel more than three billion miles. That includes several laps around the sun to pick up speed.

In a straight line the comet is only 250 million miles from Earth. A mere stone's throw, but Rosetta needed that much speed because the comet is hurtling towards the sun at about 62,000 miles per hour.

Traveling that distance takes a lot of time, even at 62,000 miles per hour. Consequently, the mission was launched ten-fucking-years ago.

You think it's a pain-in-the-ass planning a vacation? Try putting ten years into your trip to Cancun.

I can't even begin to guess to imagine what kind of planning goes in to a project like that.

I have a tough time planning to wear a condom when I fuck my wife.

Historically,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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"Today is Veterans Day. It's a day we honor those who serve and have served in our armed forces. So thank you for your service to our country. I'm talking about actual veterans. Playing 'Call of Duty' does not count. I don't care how many missions you've completed." -Jimmy Kimmel



This young couple from Arkansas have been trying to have a baby. After six months they complain to the doctor that they just aren't having any luck.

"What position are you in when you ejaculate?" the physician asks Frank, the husband.

"What's 'ejaculate'?" asks Frank.

"Well, uh, that's when you climax and semen is emitted," explained the doctor patiently.

The young man looks puzzled for a few moments then asks, "Do you mean the gooey white stuff? Well, my little honey says it's icky, so I shoot it into the pillow."



"When we got married we registered at Bloomingdale's because you can return everything for cash. And I figure each place setting can keep me in beer money for a month." -Gary Barkin



An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my father's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your father is still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning. That's why he's still alive, he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your grandfather? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer shot back, "Who said he wanted to?"