Sunday, December 28, 2014

Greetings Laff Lovers,

Being a caring father and good provider for my family I ordered pizza last night when the wife called me and said she would be coming home too late to fix dinner.

While we were sitting and eating my son pushed his plate away with one piece of pizza left on it.

"Don't you want to eat your last piece?" I asked him?

"No, you can have it."

Not being one to waste food I took it off of his plate and finished it in two bites, only to watch him reach for another piece.

"What are you doing!?" I scolded. "You just said you were full!"

"I didn't say I was full," the boy explained. "I didn't want that piece because it fell on the floor."

Dyspepticly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"

The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."

"Yeah," says the bartender. "What did she do?"

"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"



She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally sleeps in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then made passionate love to her, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, pulling her T-shirt back down around her waist.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."



An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.

A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot, who lost communications, was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket, and he had told me before we took off that he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!"

He began his series of questions.

Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me."

Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft: "Because the shit in my pants is sliding out of my collar."