Monday, December 19, 2011Greetings Laff Lovers,
My wife and I were on the sofa watching the news last night.
"Oh," I said coming to a realization, "you have your period, huh?"
She looked at me amazed. "How on earth do you know that?"
"Well, it's 10:15 and you're not asleep. The only time you think it's safe to stay up with me are the times when you are not worried that Tugboat TZ might want to pull into Tuna Town."
Deductively,
TZ
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'Like' Deal of the Day Here"Here's why American voters are turning to Ron Paul. A team of doctors has determined that Ron Paul is physically incapable of having a sex scandal." -David Letterman
Aunt Rose was in the garden tending to her flowers when she got an uncontrollable urge to pee. So she did and wiped off the dew on a rose.
Uncle Fred came along later, picked up the rose, sniffed it, then ran to phone the newspaper editor.
"I found a rose that smells like a woman's vagina!"
The editor said, "That's nothing. Call me when you find a woman's pussy that smells like a rose."
"Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. So even if he doesn't win, that's going to be one heck of an election night party." -Jay Leno
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THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZThe big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, shot with a 7mm Mag rifle." He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills several more times, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home drunk and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but I think I'd remember a brawl. Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, 'Skunk, killed with an axe.'"