Thursday, June 13, 2013

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I was leaning over the little league bleachers watching our team strike out, when somebody mentioned that Sunday is Father's Day.

"To me it's always been like 'anti-father's day,'" I said.

"What do you mean?" one guy asked.

"Well, I play golf every Sunday at 6:30 am. Then I come home, shower, eat and take a nap. When I wake its usually time to head to the store to buy some steaks and start preparing for my famous Sunday barbeque. After we eat we jump in the car and go see a movie, or maybe head to my folks' for a visit.

"However, on Father's Day I have to skip golf, get ready early, smile when they give me my gift, which last year was a plastic cup with a ball in it to mix my Metamucil in, and do whatever shit my goofy-assed kids have planned for the day. No golf, no nap, no BBQ, no laziness.

"But this year I'm free! My wife is loading up the family truckster and taking the kids to visit her kin in the bayou. I'm playing 36!"

One quiet guy whispered, "You're so lucky. I wish my wife would leave me."

And his wife turned around and gave him the evil eye.

Celebratingly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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"They say it now costs $250,000 to raise a child to age 18, and that doesn't count college, which is like $50,000 a year. So kids, if you want to give dad a great Father's Day gift, run away." -Jimmy Kimmel



While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn't help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, "Now remember ? run to Daddy first, then the dog."



"Evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin and his wife, Connie, have been married a long time, and everybody thought they were happily married. Well, last week Putin announced he was divorcing Connie. So far, it's a very amicable divorce. Connie is still alive." -David Letterman



A hillbilly gets married and on his wedding night he calls his father to get some tips on what to do, since he had never been with a woman before.

So he calls up his dad and asks him, "What do I do first?"

His dad says, "Take her clothes off and put her in bed."

The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, "She's nekkid and in bed, what do I do now?"

His dad says, "Take your clothes off and get in bed too."

He calls back 5 minutes later and says, "I'm nekkid and in bed with her what do I do now?"

His dad's patience is now running out so he says, "Look son do I have to spell everything out? Just put the hardest thing you got right where she pees!"

The hillbilly calls up 5 minutes later and says, "OK Dad, I have my head in the toilet, what do I do now?"