Monday, September 12, 2011

Greetings Laff Lovers,

Why did God punish us with teenagers? My daughter is fifteen years old and somehow she got the idea that she is getting a car next year.

Maybe she overheard me complaining to the wife about having to drive her to school so frequently, but whatever the reason she has the idea firmly imbedded in her head and nothing the wife or I say will dislodge it.

To be completely honest I wish I could get her a car, then I wouldn't have to be her damned chauffeur, but there is no way I could afford it. Between the wife's weekly massages and my porn subscriptions it's just not in the budget. We are in a recession after all.

Last night my wife finally got fed up with her obstinacy. "It's like you're dumb and getting dumber!" I heard her yell from the other room.

"Hey, hey, hey..." I said, walking in, "there is no call for that kind of negative reinforcement. If anybody is getting dumber in this household it's me for continuing to come home to you crazy bitches night after night!"

Honestly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com



"A man in Ohio was arrested for pushing his kids in a stroller while he was drunk. Police could tell the man was drunk because his kids are in their late 20s." -Jimmy Fallon



The administration of this particular elementary school decided to start a more inclusive policy on which words were "bad" words. Among those initiated to the category was "suck" (when not referring to the principle of suction).

One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of the other students had said a bad word.

"What was the bad word he said?" asked the teacher.

"I can't say it."

"It's ok to tell me, you won't get in trouble for it."

"No, it's too bad, I don't want to say it."

"Well I have to know what he said in order to punish him. Can you tell me what it is without saying it?"

"Well... it rhymes with 'fuck'"



"Two teenage girls in Georgia robbed a bank. I have to say one thing. It's nice to see young women stealing money without the help of divorce lawyers." -Craig Ferguson



*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***
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A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."

"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comeshome!" says the mom.

A while later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."

Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.

"Alright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my boy! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad.

The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."