Thursday, March 27, 2014

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I was reading a story today about how the U.S. federal unfunded liabilities amounts to nearly $127 trillion, dwarfing our piddling $17 Trillion in real, or should I say immediate national debt.

It got me to thinking about the house of cards that is not only our domestic economy but the global economy, about how the entire charade is kept solvent on a day-by-day basis by the constant creation of mountains of debt that will never be able to be paid off, about how all that debt is doing nothing but taking money out of my pocket and putting into the pockets of billionaire, international bankers, about how my 401k could be decimated at any time and my Social Security is being bankrupted, about how all of this is being done in collusion with my own government, and how the only real investments a person can make is in gold and bullets.

And then I remembered that none of that is funny.

So, "Knock-knock!"

"Who's there?"

"The NSA."

Watch-listed-ly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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"Customs officials in Europe recently seized a shipment of cocaine that was addressed to the Vatican. Which can only mean that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford just received a giant box of communion wafers." -Jimmy Fallon



We had a power outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad and my new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a couple hours.

She seems like quite a nice person.



"Pole dancing's first-ever award show, the Pole World News Awards, premieres in Los Angeles tonight. It's intended to be an annual contest to determine who is the world's worst father." -Seth Meyers



Some of these are funny...

New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids:.... lucky bastards.

New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," oh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule and this one is long overdue:
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule:
Stop sending me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chilli. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."