Monday, November 21, 2011

Greetings Laff Lovers,

Yesterday I was at the grocery store doing some shopping and came across some huge frozen turkeys on sale. And these were the good, free-range kind without all those fucking hormones and antibiotics that make little kids grow bitch-tits.

Frozen turkeys take about two days to thaw so I figured I'd better pick one up then and there. I called the wife to make sure she hadn't already bought one and to find out how big of a turkey she wanted.

"Uuuuh, TZ," she started hesitantly, "I haven't told you yet but my parents invited us to their house this year."

Shit. There goes the holiday.

First, they are about three hours away which means either almost an entire day driving for a three hour visit...or we have to spend the night.

Second, the last time we had Thanksgiving there I swear they served moose brisket or something that one of my wife's degenerate cousins shot in the woods somewhere.

That reminds me...I have to make sure the kids are current on their rabies shots.

Down-homely,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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"Health officials in Mexico have issued a warning after thousands of dead fish have washed up on the coast. They don't know what killed the fish, though a single bullet wound to the back of the head may indicate drug cartel involvement." -Jimmy Kimmel



An exam at a High school in North Carolina, required students to use the word 'handsome' in a sentence.

A girl named Lateshia wrote, "Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's dick, my jaw gets sore and I hafta use my handsome."



"Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone." --Dave Letterman



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For all you single women torn with this dilemma when on a date, here are the DEFINITIVE answers:

If SHE wants to sleep with him, then it's a date HE pays.

If SHE doesn't want to sleep with him and if SHE's a nice person who wants the "just friends" message to get through loud and clear SHE pays for herself and insists on it.

If SHE doesn't want to sleep with him and if SHE's a nice person but HE's rich HE pays but SHE offers.

If SHE doesn't want to sleep with him, SHE's not a nice person, and HE's rich HE pays.

If SHE doesn't want to sleep with him, SHE's not a nice person, and HE's not rich HE pays.

If HE pays but SHE doesn't want to seem like a freeloader SHE offers to help, HE refuses, SHE says she'll get the drinks or coffee later.

If HE's cheap HE asks her to split the bill.

If HE's broke, they're close, SHE's not a nice person, and they're going to a good place SHE feigns indifference to the financial catastrophe that awaits him. HE pays.

If HE's broke, they're close, SHE's a nice person, and they're going to a good place SHE slips him the money before they get to the restaurant.

If HE's broke, they're close, SHE's nice, and they're going to a cheap place SHE pays.

If HE's broke, they're close, SHE's not nice, and they're going to a cheap place SHE suddenly realizes that SHE has to stay home and wash her hair...forever.

If SHE asked him out, it's his birthday, and they're in love SHE pays.

If SHE asked him out and it's not his birthday but HE knows what's good for him SHE starts to pay, HE protests, SHE gives in.

If HE's a guy with any interest in seeing her again HE pays. Period.