Thursday, October 15, 2015

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I read an article the other day about some general rules you should follow if you are in a relationship with a bipolar person. The article was called, '5 Rules to Follow When You Are In a Relationship with a Bipolar Person.'

It was the usual psycho-masturbational pablum like; 'Don't engage with irrational behavior' and 'Don't judge a person because of isolated bipolar episodes' and 'beer before liquor, never sicker.'

But the last so-called 'rule' really threw me.

It was, 'You are entitled to happiness.'

Who the fuck came up with that? In reality, you aren't 'entitled' to shit.

Even the founding fathers 500 years ago (or whenever...I got a C minus in history and I'm too lazy to look it up) wrote that we have a right to the 'pursuit' of happiness. Not happiness. Because if I have a right to happiness I have been getting screwed for decades.

And this, I think, is the root of so many of our problems today as a people, as a culture, as a civilization. Everybody is a pussy. This misconception that there is some sort of inherent, intrinsic 'right' to happiness is so ubiquitous it is even showing up in tabloid tripe about relationships. And it is so completely not true as to be almost the exact opposite of reality.

No wonder why everybody is pissed off and psychotic all the time. Everybody believes they are being cheated out of some sort of happiness that is owed to them somehow.

Trust me, if you resign yourself to the fact that you are going to be disappointed and dissatisfied and taken advantage of most of the time, you'll live a much more contented life.

Solvingly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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"Playboy magazine is going to stop publishing nude photos of women starting next year. So now if you want to see a naked woman you'll have to go to HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, the Internet, Burning Man, a PETA protest, perfume ads, or ESPN The Magazine. " -Seth Meyers



Five Jews who influenced the history of Western civilization:

Moses said the law is everything.
Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.



A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.

A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"



In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.

The interview went as follows:

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, Miss. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't YOU get mad?"