Thursday, February 6, 2014

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I have a pretty good relationship with my wife, but even after all these years she still doesn't quite understand me. For example; last weekend we were out shopping and I saw a gorgeous young thing (well, maybe 25 or 30, but young to me) just pouring out of a tight, v-neck sweater. So I let slip a little "woof" under my breath. Involuntarily, but my wife still heard it.

Instead of smacking me in the back of the head or calling me a pervert or threatening to super glue my penis to my belly while I'm asleep, she just rolled her eyes and told me to, "keep it in my pants." Which is pretty understanding for a woman.

But then later that very same night the both of us were watching television when some horrible harpy came on the screen. Yellow, crooked teeth, blotchy skin and quivering jowls, her rusty hinge voice in full cry about some pointless issue or other. And once again an involuntarily "woof" escaped my lips.

My wife immediately turned on me and said, "Please don't tell me you think that woman is attractive!"

"Quite the contrary, my dulcet Darling." I quoth. "The mere sight of her is sending my balls retreating."

"Then why did you say 'woof' like you did at the poor, innocent high school girl you saw this afternoon?"

"Those are two, completely different woofs," I explained. "The first is a 'woof' of appreciation. Like I am a hungry wolf who has just caught scent of a delicious piece of prime beef. The second is the kind of 'woof' you would bark at a real dog."

"And just how are they different?" she asked.

So I demonstrated one 'woof' for her and then the other.

"They sound exactly the same to me," she said.

I told her, "That's because you're listening like a woman."

Differentiatingly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."

A senior fellow about my age sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit!"



[Submitted by faithful Laff-a-Day reader and pervert Gary Huber.]

On their wedding night, the young bride went to her new husband.

"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."

"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."



Bob a young journalism graduate from Tennessee had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to Bob and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas. Deep in the woods, Bob came upon a farmer's house and decided this would be a good place to start. He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Dick) agreed to answer his questions. Bob asked Farmer Dick what event in his life had made him the happiest? Farmer Dick replied, "One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all had sex with it, we took it back to the farmer that lost it."

"I can't print that," said Bob, the reporter. "Is there another event that made you really happy?"

Farmer Dick thought for a minute and said, "Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin' young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us had sex with her, we took her back to her daddy."

Again Bob knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Dick, "Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?"

Farmer Dick hung his head and replied, "Well, I got lost once."