Thursday, May 7, 2015

Greetings Laff Lovers,

The infernal cat that my daughter brought home 3 years ago has me apoplectic. In three weeks I've spent over $1,000 on him. First it was a urinary tract infection. Next it was crystals in his urine. Then he was sick and needed a shot to stop puking all over the fucking house.

At our third trip, when the vet started telling me how stressed 'the poor little guys is', I brought it to her attention that I spent $1,000 on him recently and that a bullet is only 50 cents.

She said, "That's not funny, TZ."

I said, "I ain't fucking joking."

She told me that they were having really good luck using something called a Feliway Diffuser, and that it mimics the mother cat's pheromones, or some shit like that, and I could buy it over the counter. I told her I didn't want some vapor mist in my house that would chill my cat out but kill my family.

She said, "It's completely safe."

So I bought it and my cat was cured. He was actually better than ever.

He's very long-haired and four weeks later I took him into the vet for a haircut.

The vet came over to say hello to Bogey and she asked how he was doing.

"No shit, Doc, it's like a miracle," I said. "He's back to his old self. He's even more affectionate than ever before. But I'm worried that the diffuser might be having an effect on me, too."

With that I unbuttoned my shirt and stuck out my chest.

"Ewwwwe!" she shrieked and jumped back. "What are those?"

"I don't know," I said flicking one of them with my finger. "I think I'm growing more nipples."

Felinely,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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When the shrew learned her husband had taken a mistress, she demanded, "Does this mean that you've had enough of me?"

"No, my dear," he coolly replied. "It means that I haven't had enough of you."



I've been married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot, 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed...



Mothers come in all shapes and sizes. For example, an Italian Mother might chastise her offspring for not eating by saying, "Eat your dinner, or I'll kill you."

A Jewish Mother on the other hand would say, "Eat your dinner, or I'll kill myself."



An American is visiting in France for several weeks. As his stay nears an end, he is sitting around with three of his new-found French friends shooting the breeze. The subject turns to language, and the American says, "Guys, I do have one question left. I keep hearing this expression, 'sang froid'. What does it mean? I know that it literally means, 'cold blood', but how is it used?"

The first Frenchman replies, "Ah, zat is easy. Say that a man walks into his bedroom, only to find his wife in bed with his best friend. If he can turn around and walk out without them knowing he was evair zere, *zat* is sang froid!"

The second Frenchman interjected, "You have eet all wrong! If, in zis circumstance, zee gentleman can calmly stand zere, and say, 'Please don't mind me; continue', zen *zat* is sang froid!"

"Non, non, non!" burst out the third. "If ze gentleman bursts een on his wife and his best friend, stands there saying, 'Please continue', and his friend *CAN* continue, *zat* is sang froid!"