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Thursday, January 28, 2016

Greetings Laff Lovers,

Who is planning to watch the Academy Awards this year? Let me re-phrase that; who has ever watched the Academy Awards? I never have. Nobody I know ever has. Nobody I know gives the tiniest shit about the Academy Awards.

So why does this story about a bunch of actors boycotting the awards keep popping up all over the place? This has got to be the biggest non-story of the year so far.

The real issue, of course, is that there are no black actors nominated this year, and they think that's racist. But not everybody does. I heard one talking head on the radio say that if it's only fair that the Oscars should have more black actors, then it should be only fair that the NBA has more white players.

The problem with that thinking is that the awards are completely subjective.

The NBA is only concerned with two things; points and money. The more points you score as a player, and as a team, directly translates into how much money you and your franchise makes.

If the NBA could make as much money with a bunch of 5-foot-10 white guys as they do with a bunch of 7-foot black guys, I'm sure there would be more white players.

And let's be honest here, I have seen many Award-winning movies that were boring pieces of crap.

So I think the solution should be obvious. Instead of having a bunch of insiders, big-wigs, kiss-asses and millionaire aesthetes voting for Award-winners, let's tie them directly to the films' success.

If anything it will make the show a hell of a lot shorter.

And nobody will argue that's not a good thing.



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"An Australian company has developed a new pair of smart yoga pants that vibrate when you hold a yoga pose correctly. One man got a pair for his wife, and he hasn't seen her since." -Jimmy Fallon

A tourist on a diving charter off the coast of Florida asks the blond dive master: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the blond replies: "Think about it! If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

"In Oakland, California, for the first time, a marijuana company will be publicly traded. It's the first ever stock that you can buy high AND sell high." -Conan O'Brien

A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, pretty much every day when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "WIFI", not "wife".

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