Sunday, July 5, 2015

Greetings Laff Lovers,

Since we had Friday off I decided to treat the entire family to an afternoon at the movies. We all haven't been to the movies together in years and I thought it would be a fun family activity.

But of course, with a house full of women it was inevitable that we were running late. I told the kids we had to leave "right now" which was the signal for my teenage daughter to head for the bathroom to apply makeup. I herded the rest of the family into the car and tried desperately not to honk constantly.

On the way to the multiplex I glanced in the rearview mirror and caught our teen still applying blush. "Look at your mother," I said. "She didn't put on any makeup just to go sit in a dark movie theater."

From the back I heard, "Yeah, but Mom doesn't need makeup."

I saw a little smile creep across my wife's face at the compliment, but before I could say anything my sweet, wonderful daughter of mine just as she continued, "Nobody looks at her."

Self-centeredly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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"A new study says that women who drink moderate amounts of alcohol every day lose more weight than women that don't drink at all. At least, that's what your wife will slur to you after she forgets to pick up the kids from soccer practice." -Jimmy Kimmel



A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That bitch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"



How are women like snow flakes?
They are all beautiful.
They are all different.
They can be cold as ice.
But they'll all melt when they land on your face.



Differences between men and women

1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

8. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

9. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

10. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.