Thursday, November 22, 2012

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I was in the kitchen making a cup of coffee when I heard my kids gasp at the show they were watching. I started listening and the show turned out to be Long Island Medium. I'd never heard of it before but it's about a housewife in New York who talks to the dead.

Not wanting my kids to be complete fucking idiots I asked, "You know that's a scam, right?"

"No!" my 14 year-old daughter replied immediately.

"Don't be a chump," I said. "People have been claiming to communicate with the dead since the dawn of time and none of them have been able to stand up to scrutiny. They learn a bunch of tricks to fool you into believing that they are authentic. Like the guy in the Wizard of Oz who tells Dorothy to close her eyes and then he rifles through her basket and finds a picture of Aunt Em, then he notices her suitcase and puts two and two together to figure out she ran away from home.

"Nowadays, they have gotten a bit more sophisticated. The 'medium' stands on stage and his coconspirators roam through the crowd anonymously listening to the conversations people are having so that they can get the 'secret' information for the medium to pull out of the 'dead' It's all about money. That lady on TV is lying through her teeth for money."

My 17 year-old daughter and my 11 year-old son were nodding their heads in understanding. My 14 year-old daughter blurted, "Hey, don't believe him. Dad doesn't know EVERYTHING!"

I looked at her dumbfounded for about half a second and decided not to end her life. Instead I put the cap on the cream and said, "She's right, I don't. You go ahead and believe a fake television show about a woman who talks to dead people instead of believing your father."

Unbelievably,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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"Arizona elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. She's a lady promising to reach across the aisle and grab whatever's there." -Conan O'Brien



A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."



After I performed a simple medical procedure on my patient, I warned her, "After this, you can't have sex for at least three days."

"Did you hear that?" she asked her husband. "No sex for three days."

"I heard," he said. "But she was talking to you."



*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***
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I was in a pub last Saturday night, and after drinking a few I noticed two very robust-looking women at the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them snapped back, saying, "It's Wales, you idiot!"

I immediately apologized. "I'm sorry," I said, "are you two whales from Ireland?"