Monday, January 13, 2014

Greetings Laff Lovers,

A reader wrote in to tell me that my usage of "Grand Slam" in the last issue of Laff-a-Day as a sexual euphemism was inaccurate. Maybe, but I would submit that you don't know exactly what goes on in my bedroom.

However, just to clear up any misinterpretations, following are my definitions of the much ballyhooed rules for what the sexual bases are. At least, this is how it was when I was a teenager in the seventies. Things may be a little different now-a-days.

First base: Kissing (with tongue).

Second base: Rubbing or fondling a girl's breasts. (Some hardcore fanatics used to insist that getting to second base required going under the shirt and unhooking the bra. Less staunch definitions allowed feeling the boobies over the shirt).

Third base: Stimulating the vulva. (Unrestricted access required in all schools of thought. Any material posing as a barrier, whether denim, cotton or silk, disqualified you from being able to say 'I got to third base!'. If you reached third you had probably put a lot of time into the relationship, and thus tricked the girl into thinking you were a nice guy. A smelly finger was required as proof).

Homerun: Actual vaginal penetration. Minimum of one pump required (by both schools) before prematurely ejaculating and saying, "Wow, I never got off that fast before. You're something special."

Footnotes:

Dry humping never earned its own base because it was practiced by many couples who never even reached second base.

A hand job was like being caught in a rundown between third and home plate. After a hand job many boys were unable to masturbate for days due to the torture inflicted on their poor little willies by girls who thought they were speed-shifting in the friggin' Indy 500.

Oral sex was considered a Grand slam. Unfortunately, it only came at the stage of the relationship where, A: the girl started talking about marriage. Or B: your relationship was in the pits and she just started dating someone secretly and was using you for; A: Practice. Or B: To show you what you would soon be missing. The only time oral sex was not considered a Grand slam was when you got it from a girl at a party who had blown five other guys beside yourself.

Explainingly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives



Nina and Rosie were always trying to get the other's goat and today they were meeting for lunch.

Nina noticed that Rosie was walking stiffly and asked what the problem was.

Rosie replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big I just can?t take it."

Nina replied, "I know. I know."



Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis after his girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

Which is worse...

Having your girlfriend find out you're married...

Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis...

Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring?



Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.

There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About 'Living in the Past'

We used to go to weddings,
Football games and lunches..
Now we go to funeral homes
And after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And wile the night away.

We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
To places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
From riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs
And drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
And watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too damned old!