Thursday, May 5, 2016
Greetings Laff Lovers,
This morning my wife said to me, "Today's Cinco de Mayo."
"So?" I answered like I would have if she told me today was Arbor Day.
"So...Why don't you take me out tonight? You know how long it's been since you took me out? We could have margaritas!"
Now, I haven't been much of a drinker since the first time I knocked my wife up 20 years ago. I was drunk and forgot to wear a rubber. Ever since then I have steered away from anything more than an occasional beer at a cookout, just to be sociable. And I'm not about to start pounding 15 dollar margaritas now.
"I'll tell you what," I told her, "I'll bring dinner home early tonight so you don't have to cook. Then later we can lock ourselves in the bedroom and do it Mexican style."
She gave me her suspicious look, "What's Mexican style?"
"Well, have you ever heard Mexicans talk? They go at a mile-a-minute. And have you ever seen a crew of 'em layin' sod? They sweat like farm animals and never take a break. And that Chimichanga music they're always listening to? It sounds like a circus."
"What's your point, that it'll be fast, loud and sweaty?"
"Hon," she said a little sympathetically, "you're usually fast, loud and sweaty."
"Huh! I never thought about it," I said. "I must be part Mexican."
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"The CEO of Priceline just resigned after it was revealed that he had an affair with an employee. As you can imagine, his wife is pretty mad, but on the bright side, at least he knows where to find a good deal on hotels." -Jimmy Fallon
A young boy asked his mother, "Mom, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"
"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.
The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."
"Plans are underway to build an erotic theme park in Brazil called 'ErotikaLand.' In fact, Brazilian workers are already busy waxing the rainforest." -Conan O'Brien
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality from his parents, goes over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. Sitting down at the kitchen table, he lets out a big sigh and says, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply, and the guy was about to repeat it, when she turned to him and said calmly, "You're gay? Doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
Nervously, the guy said, "Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess so."
His mother went back to stirring the pot. Suddenly, she whirled around and whacked him over the head with her spoon, saying, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"