Thursday, February 20, 2014

Greetings Laff Lovers,

Last year the Illinois Supreme Court finally recognized the right of residents to keep and bear arms as guaranteed in the Constitution. I say finally because Illinois was literally the last state in the Union to admit that its citizens actually have this right.

Now nominally, we here in Illinois have always had the right to "keep and bear arms", but for us it has meant only in the home or on private property or private business.

But the consequence of this new ruling is that Illinois legislators (much to their chagrin, I am sure) have had to write new laws allowing the carrying of concealed weapons.

They crammed it through the legislative process last year and they will begin issuing permits next month. So, being the law-abiding citizen I am, I looked into applying.

What I have discovered is that our clever politicians have placed so many restrictions on this law, that they almost might as well not have passed it at all.

First; you need 16 hours of a pre-approved classroom curriculum...which you have to pay for. Once you get a certificate from a qualified instructor then you need to apply (which you have to pay for), which opens you up to a thorough background check including any mental health issues (so goodbye HIPAA).

All of this I can understand.

Then comes the restrictions on WHERE you can carry. You cannot carry a concealed weapon into any school or college, public or private. Okay. Understandable. Guns and kids don't mix.

You cannot carry into any public building. This includes court houses, post offices, jails, libraries, museums, and also play grounds, parks and forest preserves.

Any and all public transportation is forbidden.

Hospitals and ANY healthcare facility is off limits. This includes places like senior care facilities.

Airports, sports stadiums and casinos are off limits as well. You also cannot carry at any public event, like a street fest, outdoor concert or carnival.

Now here is a good one; you cannot carry into any business where 50 percent or more of the sales come from alcohol. This includes bars, obviously, but it also means you have to stick your head through the front door of a restaurant and ask them how much money they make from booze before you go in.

Oh, and you cannot be armed in the PARKING LOT of ANY of the above mentioned places.

Finally, you cannot carry into any business that forbids it. And ANY business CAN forbid it by posting an 8x10 sign in their window which they can print from the Illinois State Police website.

So by process of elimination that leaves your vehicle and the sidewalk.

Now, it may seem like a waste of time to even bother applying for the damned thing, but it has always been my opinion that once you get a concession from the government you had better exercise it! So I will probably apply for it anyway.

And I guess, by that logic, now that gay marriage is legalized I'll have to marry a dude, too.

Second Amendmently,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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"Charlie Sheen is engaged to an adult film star. Not only is he going to marry her, but she'll be working the bachelor party." -Dave Letterman



A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "WIFI", not "wife".



A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club.

About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected. He went to the club to inquire as to why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scottish Jew: Aye, but I'm as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavishstien.

Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?

Scottish Jew: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.

Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?

Scottish Jew: Aye, and neither do I.

Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?

Scottish Jew: Aye, I also do the same.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scottish Jew: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?

Scottish Jew: Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.

Scottish Jew: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!