Thursday, August 4, 2016
Greetings Laff Lovers,
I ran into Clean Laffs Joe in the office kitchen earlier this week and noticed he was looking a little worse for wear.
"Long weekend?" I asked him.
"We went to a bloody mary bar yesterday morning for brunch," he answered. "At my age I should know better than to drink hard alcohol on a Sunday, but the bloody marys were so good.
"They had everything you could want; tomato juice, clamato juice, Worcestershire sauce, Tabasco sauce, horseradish, celery, olives, pickles, cheese cubes..."
He was starting to get out of breath, so I interrupted him.
"All you need is a little sausage and you've got an entire meal."
"Yeah, I guess some people do, but I don't put sausage in a bloody mary," he said.
"Oh, yeah?" I said. "I've put a sausage in a couple bloody marys. It's fine. There's just a little more to clean up."
He stared at me for a couple seconds until comprehension spread across his face.
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"Sesame Street announced that they have fired several of their long-time cast members. These layoffs were brought to you by the letters F and U." -Conan O'Brien
A poor, desperate drunk is trying to hook up with a woman in a bar. After plying her with quite a few drinks, she admits that she'd love to go home with him, but she can't do anything because she has her period. At that point, the guy is so drunk and desperate that he says he doesn't care and takes her home anyway.
In the morning he wakes up alone in bed and tries to recall the events of the last night. All he can remember that he brought a woman home and now she is gone. He pulls the covers back to find his bed sheets covered with blood.
'Oh, my God, I KILLED HER!" he thinks. The man looks at his hands covered with blood. 'THAT'S RIGHT, I KILLED HER!'
Devastated, he gets up and goes into the bathroom to look at himself in the mirror: 'AND ATE HER, TOO!'
"After Hillary spoke tonight, instead of the balloon drop, Bill Clinton should have climbed to the top of the rafters and released all the old condoms he had." -Jimmy Kimmel
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your shit.