Sunday, December 4, 2016
Greetings Laff Lovers,
I was reading the late night, jerk-off talk show host quotes that I reprinted in today's issue about these sex robots which are supposed to be coming to the market soon, and I got to thinking about all of the uncounted, joyful hours I have spent choking my own chicken.
As a teenager, and a college kid (and, let's be honest, a 20-something), I was a freaking MacGyver when it came to creative ways to flog my bishop. You have to consider, this was before Internet porn, so you had to get creative.
There wasn't a rolled up pair of sweat socks, a loaf of Vienna bread or a crack in the sofa cushions that hadn't lost its innocence to little 'Tugboat TZ'.
Now, apparently, for a few thousand bucks you can buy a self-heating, self-lubricating android that will talk dirty to you while you hump it.
Personally, I think it takes something away from the experience. Where is the fantasy? The ingenuity? The creativity? And dare I say it, the romance that kept generations of pre-sex android balls drained?
Plus, I'm afraid one of those things would short-circuit and fry my dick off if I stuck it in there.
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"An artificially intelligent sex robot is expected to hit the market next year. Because that's what guys want in a sex robot - intelligence." -Conan O'Brien
This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning. He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her. When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying, "I need a man, I need a man."
This happens quite a few times until one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, but instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man.
So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying, "I need a bike, I need a bike!"
"There's exciting news from the world of technology, experts say that in the future sex with robots will become so popular that it could replace sex with humans by 2050. Apparently this will even go beyond sex, and you'll actually be able to seduce the robots. What? The whole point of having sex with a robot is that you don't have to seduce it! I don't talk my microwave into heating up my coffee. 'I'm going to put this cup of coffee inside you for about 90 seconds, OK? And I want to you get real hot!'" -James Corden
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality from his parents, goes over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. Sitting down at the kitchen table, he lets out a big sigh and says, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply, and the guy was about to repeat it, when she turned to him and said calmly, "You're gay? Doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
Nervously, the guy said, "Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess so."
His mother went back to stirring the pot. Suddenly, she whirled around and whacked him over the head with her spoon, saying, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"