Thursday, May 30, 2013

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I went to my dentist yesterday and while he had both hands in my mouth up to his wrists he was telling me about how he drives ninety minutes, one way, every weekend to cut his brother-in-law's acre-sized lawn while he is out of town for an extended period.

"Ow wong ab ou een a endist?" I asked with the sucky tube in my mouth.

"Oh, going on twenty-five years, now."

"An you shill cud your bruffer-in-wa's wawn?" I asked.

"Oh, I don't mind. It makes my wife happy that we can help him out."

"Oc," I pointed out, "at's ut Gog reated exicans or."

Helpfully,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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"An aquarium in the U.K. claims that it has the world's first vegetarian shark. Either that or they're playing a really mean prank on Nigel the tank cleaner." -Jimmy Fallon



A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions. "Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.

Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to the other children milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."



A coworker stormed into my friend's office, yelling, "Did you tell Joan I was a bitch?!"

Stunned, my friend sputtered, "No! I don't know how she found out."



As I Mature
***********

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes, After that you better have a huge schlong.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting, long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon, and all the less important ones just never go away.