Monday, February 17, 2014

Greetings Laff Lovers,

It's official, my wife does not appreciate me. Valentine's Day used to be romantic. A night out, a lot of laughs and then sex that made me sore for a week. Those days are over.

This year we exchanged gifts while watching Olympic figure skating. I bought her a new alarm clock and fixed the toilet in our bathroom. She got me a voucher to "Cunnilingus Class."

"Why cunnilingus class?" I said a little confused. "It's so easy. You just go down and pretend you're at Baskin Robbins and the ice cream is melting all over the cone. Just lap it all up. If you were going this route you should have gotten me a class in the actual art of coitus."

"Oh, PLEASE!" my wife snorted, "There's only so much you can learn to do with three minutes."

Bruisedly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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"Scientists are working on a new contraceptive for women that works for 90 days straight. They are referring to this new contraceptive as sweatpants." -Conan O'Brien



The detective was leafing through the suspect's cime history folder. "Hmmm, quite a record." he said. "Shoplifting, hit-and-run, disorderly conduct, armed Robbery, sexual assault, rape, man-slaughter..."

"Yeah, I know." said the prisoner. "It took me a while to figure out what I was good at."



"For the first time ever, scientists have created artificial life. The hope is that it can revolutionize healthcare, generate clean energy, become super-intelligent, take over the world, make us all its slaves, etc." -Jimmy Kimmel



Marriage Definitions

BACHELOR: A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.

BRIDE: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

COMPROMISE: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

DIPLOMAT: A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.

GENTLEMAN: A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.

HOUSEWORK: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.

HUSBAND: A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.

JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT: A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw.

LOVE: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

MOTHER-IN-LAW: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

MRS.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.

SPOUSE: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.

WIFE: A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.