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Laffaday - My holiday fantasies aren't exactly Capra-esque.
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Sunday, December 18, 2016
Greetings Laff Lovers,
The brutally cold weather we have been experiencing recently has been keeping me and mine indoors a LOT, and I gotta tell you, it blows. My kids are out of control and my wife is a nervous wreck. Why can't life be like it is in the movies? And by 'the movies' I mean a good and raunchy porn.
In my mind's eye the holidays would find the kids eagerly planning a surprise for mom and dad downstairs, while mom and dad are upstairs in a 69. Things would take their natural course with spanking and slapping, and maybe a finger up the ass, and we would finish with a pretty sloppy ending involving my wife's chest, face, hair and a picture of her sister in lingerie.
But, NOOOOOOOO! None of that for ol' TZ. I guess I'll just continue to live my Mittyesque existence and hope my kids don't put me in an old folks home before I'm 60.
Ho ho holy,
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I gave my girlfriend a new perfume called Chloroform. She doesn't like it. She says she gets real sleepy and that it makes her ass sore!
Someone asked me, "Now that you're retired, do you still have a job?"
I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."
Somewhat confused, they said, "What do you mean by that?"
"Very simple," I said, "The wife told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask me for it."
We were both suffering from depression for a while, so me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.
Sometime during the life of nearly every man there will come a time when the discussion comes around guts and balls. We've all heard at one time or another that some guy has "balls" or "guts". While some may view those terms as one-in-the-same, there is a very clear medical distinction between "Guts" and "Balls". But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed should the subject surface in the future, here are the definitions:
GUTS is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the GUTS to ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the BALLS to say, "You're next, Chubby!"
I hope this clears up any confusion regarding the definitions. Medically, speaking there is no difference in the outcome.
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