Thursday, May 31, 2012Greetings Laff Lovers,
I almost can't believe it. After almost, what has it been, ten years, I got into a car accident. And it was totally my fault, too. Well, mostly.
My brother and I were coming back from golfing last weekend. It was one of those 90-plus degree days, and we had both lost a couple of pints of water from walking the course. As we came up to a McDonald's my brother began begging me to pull in for an ice coffee.
"Are you kidding?" I replied. "I'll have to cross, like, four lanes of traffic. Besides, do you know how much sugar is in those things? What you need is water. We'll be home in fifteen minutes and you can drink whatever you like."
"What I'd like is an ice coffee. Look, it's right there. Just pull in. I'll get you one, too. You're gonna pass it! Pull over, pull over!"
So like an idiot I pulled over.
I don't think I have ever seen so fucked up of an intersection. It is right next to an expressway, so in addition to the normal lanes of traffic there is a lane merging from the off-ramp. Plus, there are three different sets of traffic signals.
It took us almost ten minutes to get across all of that traffic, wait in line at the drive through, and pull back out into the intersection. We practically would have been back at my house in the time it took to get that damned ice coffee. A point I did not hesitate to point out to my oblivious brother.
So I was sitting at a red light, already fuming at the delay, when the light changed. The only problem was it wasn't my light. In order to accommodate the normal intersection and the on-ramp to the expressway there are two sets of traffic signals separated by maybe a quarter of a block. I was watching the one ahead of me...not the one right above my head.
Just as I pulled out a car came zooming through the intersection across my path. Thank God for the timing, because he hit the back of my car, taking the bumper completely off. A second or two sooner and he would have T-boned me.
I pulled off to the side of the road and my brother and I got out to survey the damage. I was standing there looking at thousands of dollars worth of damage and my brother was standing next to me slurping the last of his ice coffee.
I gave him a withering look.
He smacked his lips with a satisfied 'Ahhh' and said, "What?"
Distractedly,
TZ
Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link:
tz@gophercentral.comP.S. Are you on Facebook? If you are, check out the Deal of the Day fan page. You get exclusive offers and a new deal every day. It is easy to become a fan, just click here and hit the like button...
'Like' Deal of the Day HereA couple felt that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, so they went to see a sex therapist.
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When they got home, the eager husband was all for trying this new idea right away.
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"In Salt Lake City, Utah, two female junior high school teachers were arrested after they had sex with the same 13-year-old student. I don't know what the big deal is ? in Utah, that's home-schooling." -Jimmy Fallon
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THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZWhy do men die first?This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know...
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework... you're a pansy.
If you work too hard... there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough... you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay... this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her... that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you... it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks... it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet... it's male indifference.
If you cry ... you're a wimp.
If you don't... you're insensitive.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear...you're a pervert.
If you don't... you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape...you're sexist.
If you don't ... you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape... you're vain.
If you don't... you're a slob.
If she has a headache... she's tired.
If you have a headache... you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often... you're oversexed.
If you don't... there must be someone else.
Bottom Line... Men die first because they want to.