Monday, June 27, 2011

Greetings Laff Lovers,

"Buy a new car, TZ," my brother said after seeing all the dings and little scratches from the kids bumping into it with their bats and bikes and rollerblades in the garage.

"Why? This runs like a top," I said.

"Yeah, but it's beat up."

"Sheeeiit. You want me to buy them another car to beat up? Hell, I park anywhere, don't get upset about new dings, and put low-grade gas in it even though it says put premium. I love this car and it's been paid off for a long time."

"You're at the age where you should be going through a midlife crisis. Don't you want something flashy?"

"That's the good thing about being me: I don't care what people think...What I really want is a new set of golf clubs."

Contently,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com



"A new survey shows that the more female you are physically, the harder it is to be taken seriously in business. For example, women with very large breasts have a harder time being promoted than women with penises."



An American was golfing at the Old Course in St. Andrews, Scotland. He slices his opening drive out of bounds onto the beach, so he tees another one up and smacks it right down the middle.

The golfer turns to his old Scottish caddy and tells him that in America that is called a "Mulligan" and asks him if there is a name for it in Scotland.

The caddy replies, "AYE, we call it a three."



A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting office. After answering numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a homosexual. The guy admitted that he was.

"Gay, huh?" the brawny recruiter growled. "Do you think you could kill a man?"

"My, yes," the man giggled, "but it would take days and days."


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At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."